It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Clipmas

A fun, research-intensive Christmas greeting from my friends at World Wide Wadio, featuring three of my top five movies, and likely 10 of my top 25.



And check out the "Making Of" video for longer versions of all the clips.

The 31 Days of Rocktober Part III: 1999-2009

Hard to believe Rocktober is coming to a close. Why, it seems like only yesterday we were celebrating Part 1: 1979-1988. And who can forget Part 2: 1989-1998? Well, on to the last 11 "days," each representing one of the last 11 years of power-chorded goodness. The opening act is done, the deli platter in your dressing room is looking a bit worse for wear, and the crowd is chanting your name, so let's head for the stage ...

1999: "Bawitdaba" - Kid Rock
It's a little known fact that "Bawitdaba" is actually the Swahili word for "white trash." Okay, I made that up. Hey, for a guy who started his career looking like a geekier Vanilla Ice, this song rocks. And who can resist a lyric like: "Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy?" I actually tried to buy this song on iTunes, but the only way to get it is to buy an entire album of 2000 Grammy nominees, which means you're also paying for "Mambo No. 5" and "Hit Me Baby One More Time." No thanks.

Runners Up: "Guerilla Radio" - Rage Against the Machine; "Around the World" - Red Hot Chili Peppers; "The Chemicals Between Us" - Bush; "Lit Up" - Buckcherry; "Freak on a Leash" - Korn; "Nookie" - Limp Bizkit

In case you forgot, his name is Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid ROCK!


2000: "I Disappear" - Metallica
Both this and "Take A Look Around" were featured on the Mission:Impossible II soundtrack. I'm giving the edge to Metallica, even if pictures like this do significant damage to their rock cred. The ode to Bullitt with James careening around San Francisco in the video helps make up for it (even if it is in a Camaro and not a Mustang).

Runners Up: "When It All Goes Wrong Again" - Everclear; "The Everlasting Gaze" - Smashing Pumpkins; "Grievance" - Pearl Jam; "Take A Look Around" - Limp Bizkit

Hey, hey, hey, let's watch them sing it live ...


2001: "Renegades of Funk" - Rage Against the Machine
Many people call me a "renegade of funk." Well, one person. And that's me. But still, I feel a certain affinity for RATM, even if our political views are, shall we say, divergent. A cover of an Afrkia Bambaataa & Soulsonic Force song, Rage broke up before the official release of "Renegades of Funk" and never performed it live until they reunited in 2007.

Runners Up: "Dig In" - Lenny Kravitz; "Smooth Criminal" - Alien Ant Farm; "Original Prankster" - Offspring; "Fat Lip" - Sum 41; "Alive" - P.O.D. "Crawling" - Linkin Park

No doubt because they were never one to kowtow to "The Man," I can actually embed their official music video, which is a shout out to various "activists" (Richard Pryor?) and musicians, a list of which can be found here.


2002: Tie: "All My Life" - Foo Fighters & "No-One Knows" - Queens of the Stone Age
Cop out! I really like both of these songs, and so I'm once again invoking blogger's privilege. And Dave Grohl from the Foos has been known to sit in on drums for the Queens, so they're sorta-kinda related. Fine, I don't really have a good justification. But you get two videos, so what are you complaining about?

Runners Up: "I Stand Alone" - Godsmack; ; "Aerials" - System of a Down; "She Hates Me" - Puddle of Mudd; "By the Way" - Red Hot Chili Peppers

It's two, two, two videos in one ... year.




2003: "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" - Jet
While not exactly AC/DC, Jet was still able to bring the thunder from down under (I can't imagine that I'm the first one to use that phrase). Reminds me a bit of the very first band named in the 31 Days of Rocktober, The Knack.

Runners Up: "Bring Me To Life" - Evanescence; "Show Me How To Live" - Audioslave; "Go With the Flow" - Queens of the Stone Age; "St. Anger" - Metallica; "Did My Time" - Korn; "Just Because" - Jane's Addiction

So, are you gonna?


2004: "Whiplash" - Motorhead
How can you say no to Motorhead covering Metallica in a song that won them a Grammy for "Best Metal Performance?" And 24 years after Lemmy and the boys released "Ace of Spades." Well done, lads, well done. Watching and listening, you also understand why you never see a fat heavy metal drummer. And not just because of the drugs.

Runners Up: "Slither" - Velvet Revolver; "Some Kind of Monster" - Metallica; "Duality" - Slipknot; "Lady" - Lenny Kravitz

This isn't so much a video as a still frame with the music playing, so feel free to close your eyes.


2005: "The Hand That Feeds" - Nine Inch Nails
I suppose this veers somewhat into "industrial," but Mr. Reznor's music certainly has the energy and anger essential for much of rock n' roll, particularly the "harder" iterations. If you think you could have done a better job with this particularly song than Trent, you actually could have given it a shot, as his website released a multi-track Garageband version of the song, allowing anyone with a Mac to remix it.

Runners Up: "B.Y.O.B." - System of a Down; "Doesn't Remind Me" - Audioslave; "Little Sister" - Queens of the Stone Age; "Remedy" - Seether; "Best of You" - Foo Fighters

So, just how deep do you believe?


2006: "Woman" - Wolfmother
If Jet is "thunder from down under," then this song from Wolfmother is ground zero of a nuclear blast from the past, channeling a whole Zeppelin's worth of 70s rock gods. You can also hear it on the soundtracks of no fewer than four video games from MotorStorm to Madden NFL 07, plus various iterations of Guitar Hero and Rock Band.

Runners Up: "Gin and Milk" - Dirty Pretty Things; "World Wide Suicide" - Pearl Jam; "Your Touch" - The Black Keys; "Tell Me Baby" - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Check out this performance from Bonnaroo 2007. You can almost smell the hippies.


2007: "The Pretender" - Foo Fighters
I'm sure Dave and the boys will be thrilled with their solo "win" after sharing 2002's selection. Or they would be if they had time to read the 10,174,385th most-popular blog in the world (though I'm likely a bit optimistic with that ranking). If you want to try and match the Foo's rendition that won a Grammy for "Best Hard Rock Performance" in 2008, you can try on Guitar Hero, or as of next week, Rock Band.

Runners Up: "Icky Thump" - The White Stripes; "Threshold Apprehension" - Black Francis; "I Don't Wanna Stop" - Ozzy Osbourne; "Fake It" - Seether

Now hurry up and watch the video before those nasty music companies disable its embedding ...


2008: "I Got Mine" - Black Keys
It's still amazing to me how much sound two dudes can put out with just a single guitar and set of drums (and likely a few Marshall amps). But Dan Auerbach and Patrick Carney manage it. I suppose this song is almost too bluesy for this list, but the mega-crunchy dirty guitar sound rocks more than enough for me.

Runners Up: "Wax Simulacra" - The Mars Volta; "Inside the Fire" - Disturbed; "Saints of Los Angeles" - Motley Crue; "Rock 'N Roll Train" - AC/DC; "They Say" - Scars on Broadway

Here are the dynamic duo performing "I Got Mine," with a little interview intro thrown in.


2009: "Know Your Enemy" - Green Day
And here we are at the end of the road. While I guess it's still possible that Metallica may yet release a hard rocking version of "Silent Night," I think it's safe to name a track for this yet-to-be-completed year. And for that we turn to Green Day, pumping out the rock n' roll for the last two decades. This one's a bit political for my taste, but that driving snare off the top just sucks me in.

Runners Up: "Check My Brain" - Alice In Chains; "The Fixer" - Pearl Jam; "You're Going Down" - Sick Puppies; "Savior" - Rise Against; "Whisky Hangover" - Godsmack; "Ignorance" - Paramore; "Sounds of Madness" - Shinedown; "Feel Good Drag" - Anberlin

At least I can bid you farewell with a real official music video for a change. And until next Rocktober, remember this rock n' roll maxim: if you can't tune it up, turn it up. Rock on.

The 31 Songs of Rocktober Part Two: 1989-1998

Rocktober: it's the most wonderful, earsplitting time of the year. After Part One: 1979-1988, we're continuing to celebrate with another 10 of an eventual 31 hits—one for each of the last 31 years.

So grab your Strat and your leather codpiece as we get ready to turn it up to 11.

1989: "Dr. Feelgood" - Motley Crue
While I would never elevate a band like Poison or Cinderella into a position of representing a year, Motley Crue has enough musical cred to hold down a spot on the list. While "Dr. Feelgood" definitely rocks, this is also kind of a "Lifetime Achievement" award. Plus, one or more members of the band may have actually worn a leather codpiece, always a plus.

Runners Up: "Paradise City" - Guns N' Roses; "One" - Metallica; "Runnin' Down a Dream" - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers; "Fire Woman" - The Cult; "A Girl Like You" - The Smithereens; "Once Bitten Twice Shy" - Great White; "Higher Ground" - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Now here's the video that will make you feel alright ...


1990: "Epic" - Faith No More
Before a tidal wave of plaid shirts and distorted guitars took over rock n' roll in 1991, Faith No More pounded out their epic Epic. While the video managed to soak the band in a man-made monsoon, there apparently wasn't enough water left for a poor goldfish left flopping around on the floor, raising the ire of animal rights groups. However, the band claimed the fish was shot in slow motion, and was safely returned to its bowl. And that may in fact be true given the fish's provenance: it was allegedly either stolen from—or given as a gift by—Bjork (depending on which version of the legend you believe).

Runners Up: "Blaze of Glory" - Bon Jovi; "Black Velvet" - Alannah Miles; "Cherry Pie" - Warrant

Let's check out the famous fish and the song ...


1991: "Smells Like Teen Spirit" - Nirvana
Honestly, never really been a fan of this grunge anthem, or grunge in general (though I have a bit of soft spot for Soundgarden). But obviously this song signaled a huge shift in rock n' roll, including the mainstreaming of so-called "alternative" music. And yes, Nevermind really hit big in 1992, but this single was released in September of 1991.

Runners Up: "Enter Sandman" - Metallica; "Moneytalks" - AC/DC; "Alive" - Pearl Jam; "Give It Away" - Red Hot Chili Peppers; "Jesus Built My Hotrod" - Ministry

Here purportedly is the first live performance of Nirvana's signature song ...


1992: "Remedy" - Black Crowes
Since I didn't want to go back to back with Nirvana, and I've never cared for Pearl Jam, the Black Crowes win '92 by default. But I'm so unexcited by this pick, I'm not even going to look up any info about it. It's sung by that really skinny guy who was married to Kate Hudson.

Runners Up: "Come As You Are" - Nirvana; "Rest In Peace" - Extreme; "Evenflow" - Pearl Jam; "Let's Get Rocked" - Def Leppard; "Life Is A Highway" - Tom Cochrane

I suppose in keeping with the format, I should show some video. At least I can embed the actual music video. Hurray.


1993: "Are You Gonna Go My Way?" - Lenny Kravitz
Ah, now here's a song worth getting excited about. This is another of my all time favorites, with a great riff and a cool video (which, of course, EMI won't let me embed). This was one of the first CDs that I bought (post cassette tape and pre-mp3). VH1 had it as #78 on their "100 Greatest Songs of the 90s," but I would likely have gone at least 30 or 40 places higher.

Runners Up: "Plush" - Stone Temple Pilots; "Livin' On The Edge" - Aerosmith; "Stick It Out" - Rush; "Pride and Joy" - Coverdale & Page

I got to got to know, are you gonna watch the video?


1994: "Vaseline" - Stone Temple Pilots
I came very close to declaring this a tie between this song and "Black Hole Sun." But that seemed too much of a cop out. But a tough call, especially given that both STP and Soundgarden both had two great songs this year (see "Runners Up" below). I'm just glad they got to write and record this song in between Scott Weiland's many stints in rehab.

Runners Up: "Black Hole Sun" - Soundgarden; "Spoonman" - Soundgarden; "Daughter" - Pearl Jam; "Interstate Love Song" - Stone Temple Pilots; "Cannonball" - Breeders

Before you go blind and this video is out of reach, give it a look.


1995: "More Human Than Human" - White Zombie
I had actually awarded this year to the Smashing Pumpkins before I discovered that this was the year Rob and friends put out this extremely hard-rockin' song. Is it as "cerebral" as "Bullet With Butterfly Wings?" Nope. But when you listen, you just want to keep turning it up ... and up ... and up—until your windows shatter and the bass puts you into cardiac arrest.

Runners Up: "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" - Smashing Pumpkins; "J.A.R." - Green Day; "If I Wanted To" - Melissa Etheridge; "Better Man" - Pearl Jam

Haven't you always thought this song would go great with an ultra-violent anime about vampire hunters? Hey, so did someone who was posting to YouTube! (I said "ultra-violent," right? Consider yourself warned.)


1996: "Machinehead" - Bush
Another year that I'm fairly ambivalent about. I did get married in June of '96, and maybe the fact that our DJ played "Celebrate" despite our explicit instructions not to soured me on music for the whole year. But, hey, somebody's gotta win, so why not Mr. Stefani and company?

Runners Up: "Santa Monica" - Everclear; "Trippin' On A Whole In A Paper Heart" - Stone Temple Pilots; "In The Meantime" - Spacehog; "Stinkfist" - Tool

I've got a video for Machinehead, it's better than the rest (except for the real one, which I'm not allowed to embed).


1997: "Song 2" - Blur
Woohoo! This not very imaginatively titled hit from Blur squeaked out a win over the Foos and the Bosstones (technically ska?). One of the things I like about this song is how compact it is, at right about two minutes even. A little rock nugget. Reminds me of when I went to see the Ramones, who packed about 73 songs into a 90-minute set.

Runners Up: "The Impression That I Get" - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones; "Everlong" - Foo Fighters; "Pink" - Aerosmith; "Gone Away" - The Offspring

Now get your head checked by a jumbo jet and check out the video of this live performance at Wembley Arena.


1998: "Fly Away" - Lenny Kravitz
Hey, a repeat winner! Honestly, nothing really jumped out at me this year. Well, musically. 1998 saw the birth of my first child, so maybe that's why I wasn't paying as much attention. I was already retuning my ear for the Wiggles and Barney.

Runners Up: "Given To Fly" - Pearl Jam; "Blue on Black" - Kenny Wayne Shepherd Band; "Turn The Page" - Metallica; "Psycho Circus" - Kiss; "Most High" - Jimmy Page & Robert Plant

Well, I leave you and Part Two with Lenny rockin' Rio ...

Shouldn't that make him Dr. T?

The 31 Songs of Rocktober Part One: 1979-1988

31 days hath Rocktober, and what better way to celebrate than by providing a most-excellent example of rock 'n' roll for each and every one of them. To add a level of temporal confusion and complexity, I'm picking one song from each of the last 31 years.

And we're not going to play the whole "What's rock 'n' roll?" game. It's gotta have lots of guitars and drums, the more and louder the better. While not mandatory, long hair and leather apparel definitely are worth bonus points.

I believe I'll be able to track down video for each song, though the helpful folks at the record labels have decreed that virtually every official music video can't be embeddable, so most songs will be live performances.

Now, if you can answer "yes" to the musical question "ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!!!" we'll begin.

1979: "My Sharona" - The Knack
Well, we're certainly off to a great start, with one of rock's most recognizable riffs. If lead singer and guitarist Doug Fieger and Wikipedia are to be believed, a Ms. Sharona Alperin was the little pretty one, pretty one, who made his motor run, motor run.

Runners Up: "I Want You To Want Me" - Cheap Trick; "Renegade" - Styx; "I Was Made For Lovin' You" - Kiss

Here are Doug and the boys live from Carnegie Hall with what ended up as the #1 song on Billboard's Pop Singles Chart for '79.


1980: "Heartbreaker" - Pat Benatar
As you can see from the runners up below, there were a lot of very strong contenders this year. But I'm going to go a little more "pop" and recognize the five feet and 95 pounds of rock 'n' roll fury formerly known as Patricia Andrzejewski.

Runners Up: "Refugee" - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers; "Ace of Spades" - Motorhead; "You Shook Me All Night Long" - AC/DC; "Crazy Train" - Ozzy Osbourne; "And The Cradle Will Rock" - Van Halen

Watch and see why you don't mess around with Ms. Benatar, no-no-no!


1981: "Back In Black" - AC/DC
Was there really any question for this year? (Okay, it did pain me not to go with "Tom Sawyer".) But you can't argue with another of rock's most recognizable riffs kicking off a tune that VH1 ranked as the fifth greatest hard rock song of all time and that Rolling Stone ranked number 29 on "The 100 Greatest Guitar Songs of All Time."

Runners Up: "Tom Sawyer" - Rush; "Another One Bites The Dust" - Queen; "The Stroke" - Billy Squier; "Start Me Up" - Rolling Stones

Now, without further ado, show us what you got Angus.


1982: "I Love Rock 'n' Roll" - Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
Hard to pass on a title like that. And America found it hard to pass on the song (segue!), as it finished the year as the #2 hit on Billboard's Top 100. And here's a little piece of trivia that at least I didn't know: a pre-Blackheart-backed Ms. Jett first recorded this song two years earlier with two members of the Sex Pistols, Steve Jones and Paul Cook.

Runners Up: "Don't Stop Believin'" - Journey; "You've Got Another Thing Comin'" - Judas Priest; "Juke Box Hero" - Foreigner; "Run to the Hills" - Iron Maiden; "White Wedding" - Billy Idol

Now let's put another dime in the jukebox, baby ...


1983: "Twilight Zone" - Golden Earring
Also (erroneously) known as "When The Bullet Hits The Bone," this song did reach #10 on the Billboard Hot 100 and #1 on the Billboard Top Tracks chart. But, along with the band's other big hit, "Radar Love," it's also proven to be an enduring radio track that has aged much better than, say, "Cum On Feel the Noize."

Runners Up: "Gimme All Your Lovin'" - ZZ Top; "Cum On Feel the Noize" - Quiet Riot; "Photograph" - Def Leppard; "Bark at the Moon" - Ozzy Osbourne

So, what time is it? It's two a.m. (it's two a.m.) ...


1984: "Rock You Like A Hurricane" - Scorpions
Speaking of songs that don't age particularly well ... Actually, I think "Rock You Like A Hurricane" perfectly encapsulates the somewhat cheesy hard rocking sounds of the mid-80s (Ratt, Poison, Quiet Riot, Twisted Sister, etc.). And I say "danke" to the boys from Hanover for showing us that not all hard rockin' music from Germany is that really scary death metal.

Runners Up: "Jump" - Van Halen; "Owner of a Lonely Heart" - Yes; "Legs" - ZZ Top; "Rebel Yell" - Billy Idol; "We're Not Gonna Take It" - Twisted Sister; "I Can't Drive 55" - Sammy Hagar

C'mon, c'mon' c'mon, let's watch a live performance.


1985: "She Sells Sanctuary" - The Cult
While not nearly as big a hit as any of the runners up, "She Sells Sanctuary" has always been a personal favorite of mine, and so I'll invoke blogger's privilege. It's one of those songs I forget how much I enjoy until it comes up in my iTunes playlist, I (rarely) hear it on the radio, or it shows up somewhere unexpected, like the movie Layer Cake.

Runners Up: "Money For Nothing" - Dire Straits; "Some Like It Hot" - Power Station; "Smokin' in the Boys Room" - Motley Crue

Let's enjoy it together, shall we?


1986: "You Give Love A Bad Name" - Bon Jovi
Bit of a sparse year for hard-rockin' hits, as you can tell by this selection and the runners up (John Cougar Mellenkamp?). Though I suppose the list would be a little longer if I didn't refuse to acknowledge Van Halen as a band after Diamond Dave left. Anyway, this isn't a bad song by the boys from Jersey.

Runners Up: "R.O.C.K. in the USA" - John Cougar Mellenkamp; "Addicted to Love" - Robert Palmer; "Tuff Enuff" - Fabulous Thunderbirds

You're shot through the heart and this song's to blame ...


1987: "Welcome to the Jungle" - Guns N' Roses
Love 'em or hate 'em, there was no question GNR was a rock and roll band when they exploded onto the scene, with all the drama, destruction, and volume that entailed. You couldn't ignore Axl Rose's voice, or Slash's guitar. "Welcome to the Jungle" was actually the first song that Axl and Slash wrote together. And as a title and a song, it certainly was a fitting announcement of their debut.

Runners Up: "Pour Some Sugar On Me" - Def Leppard; "Girls, Girls, Girls" - Motley Crue; "Love Removal Machine" - The Cult; "Keep Your Hands to Yourself" - Georgia Satellites

Watch this and it will bring you to your n-n-n-n-n-n-n-knees ...


1988: "Cult of Personality" - Living Color
Since I already gave GNR 1987, there really wasn't another contender for this year other than Living Color's biggest hit. Given that it won the Grammy for Best Hard Rock Performance the next year, I guess I'm not alone in that opinion.

Runners Up: "Sweet Child O' Mine" - Guns N' Roses; "I Hate Myself for Loving You" - Joan Jett & The Blackhearts; "Beds Are Burning" - Midnight Oil

Here are Corey, Vernon and the rest of the guys from another classic bit of late-80s culture: the Arsenio Hall Show.


Tune in next week as we spin the stax o' wax of Rocktober hits from 1989-1998.

Early Muppets Say "Drink Wilkins Cofffee. Or Else."

Hard to believe that Jim Henson, the man behind Elmo and Big Bird, also created these violent (in an "Itchy & Scratchy" kind of way) TV commercials for Wilkins Coffee. Apparently the late Fifties were a more brutal time, at least when it came to the consequences of brand preference.

Of course, there were some freaks on The Muppet Show. And Jim had that whole "Dark Crystal" phase, but still ...


Via AdFreak

Top 10 Biggest Stars' Worst Movies

Sure, these stars now pull down $10 million or more a movie (well, maybe not Harrison anymore). But each of them has a few stinkers in their past. Some have more than a few.

Now, I'm not talking about their first movies, because, hey, they were just trying to break in to the business and pay for their Ramen noodles and coke (at least in the 80s). No, these are movies they made long after they should have known better.

The 10 stars were chosen based on this list of career box office numbers through 2008. That means today's younger stars aren't represented. They still have plenty of time to make movies they'll be embarrassed about. For some, that's already happened. (I imagine Jessica Alba wasn't especially proud of "The Love Guru.")

10. Julia Roberts - Full Frontal (2002)

Sample Review:
"A boring, amateurish, incomprehensible and stupefyingly pretentious pile of swill." —Rex Reed, New York Observer

Julia probably thought: "I'm a little iffy on this one, but Stephen Soderbergh did help me get that Oscar for Erin Brockovich. How bad can it be?" Pretty bad. And, to the disappointment of adolescent boys everywhere, there wasn't even any actual "full frontal."


9. Johnny Depp - The Astronaut's Wife (1999)

Sample Review:
"'The Astronaut's Wife' stinks from the Earth to the moon." - Wesley Morris, San Francisco Examiner

Johnny Depp plays a space shuttle pilot who, after some oddness in space, impregnates Charlize Theron with some kind of alien. And no, I'm not making that up. You can see for yourself for free, as the entire movie (split into chunks) is available on YouTube. Which shows even the copyright holder is too embarrassed to identify himself in order to get it taken down.


8. Cameron Diaz - What Happens In Vegas (2008)
Sample Review:
"When it was over I felt vaguely embarrassed. I wasn't just leaving a movie theater. I was taking a walk of shame." - Wesley Morris, Boston Globe

I know, you're saying, "Cameron Diaz is the 8th biggest movie star? Really?" Well, $5,165,307,420 in box office receipts (the vast majority coming from various Shreks) can't be wrong.

"What Happens In Vegas" not only has the dubious honor of making numerous "Worst Movies of 2008" lists, but the additional badge of shame known as "Starring Ashton Kutcher."


7.Will Smith - Wild Wild West (1999)

Sample Review:
"Extremely stupid and incompetent." - Amy Taubin, Village Voice

While the whole starring/rapping the theme song thing worked for "Men In Black," Will went to the well one too many times. Though at least the theme song included a cameo by Kool Moe Dee, who rapped the original "WWW."


6. Robin Williams - Fathers' Day (1997)

Sample Review:
"`Father's Day' is a brainless feature-length sitcom with too much sit and no com." - Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

Wow, given his body of work, it's difficult to pick a "worst" for Robin. But choose we must. In the review mentioned above, Mr. Ebert brings up a very good point about the many crappy movies featuring the former Mork from Ork: "You can always tell a lazy Robin Williams movie by the unavoidable scene in which he does a lot of different voices and characters." You can actually catch a bit of that desperation ploy in the trailer below:


5. Eddie Murphy - The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)

Sample Review:
"So unremittingly awful that labeling it a dog probably constitutes cruelty to canines." - Lou Lumenick, New York Post

Yikes. Once again, very hard to choose a "winner" from Mr. Murphy's oeuvre. But considering this flop reportedly cost $100 million to make, and garnered a mere "6% Fresh" on RottenTomatoes.com, it gets the nod.


4. Tom Cruise - Vanilla Sky (2001)
Sample Review:
"A hopeless jumble of romance, psychodrama, sci-fi and spiritual posturing." - Susan Stark, Detroit News

I was actually surprised at how few embarrassments Tom has been a part of. Sure, people made fun of his accent in "Far and Away," and he looked a little silly in "Interview With A Vampire." But overall, he's exercised pretty good judgment. At least professionally. However, "Vanilla Sky" was definitely a bit of a mess. As you can tell by this ending. And no, if you saw the rest of the movie, this really wouldn't make a whole lot more sense.


3. Harrison Ford - Random Hearts (1999)

Sample Review:
"Almost everything that is wrong with the Hollywood system can be found here." - Desson Thomson, Washington Post

For a guy who's starred in two of the biggest movie franchises of all time, Harrison has also been a part of more than his fair share of crap. And unfortunately, by all accounts, this year's "Crossing Over" is another nail in his cinematic coffin. Going back a decade, he was part of this thriller/romance that wasn't enough of either.


2. Tom Hanks - The Bonfire of the Vanities (1990)

Sample Review:

"Destroy this film; watch it only to see a good example of a lousy adaptation." - Bob Bloom, Journal & Courier

Looking through the resume of the beloved Mr. Hanks, you're hard-pressed to find truly awful movies. I guess he and "his people" know what they're doing. But even his worst stumble was infamously spectacular in its failure. "The Bonfire of the Vanities" was based on a hugely successful—even iconic—novel, was directed by a big name (Brian DePalma), and featured an all-star cast (Bruce Willis, Melanie Griffith, and Morgan Freeman, as well as Mr. Hanks). But despite its superior pedigree, its terrible reviews and anemic box office established it as one of the biggest flops of all time.


1. Samuel Jackson - Twisted (2004)

Sample Review:
"The greatest mystery in this nonsensical thriller is why Philip Kaufman, a first-rate director, lent his talents to such a mediocre piece of studio hackwork."- A.O. Scott, New York Times

Yep, Samuel Jackson is Number One, having been a part of movies that have grossed a mind boggling $8,464,252,292. The biggest of course was "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace." And no, that's not his worst movie. Not by a long shot. He definitely has the quantity thing down. The quality? Not so much. "Jumper," "The Spirit," "Cleaner," "The Man." There's a reason you likely haven't heard of at least a couple of those—and that's just the last four years. But if we go back to 2004, we find the train wreck that was "Twisted." A film that garnered a stunning 2% "fresh" rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

We tip our Kangols to you, Mr. Jackson.

Now Playing In Hell's Rec Room

They don't make them like this anymore. Likely because someone hunted down the creator and gutted him with a melon baller.

One Love, Many Artists: Playing For Change "Remix"

"Peace Through Music" is a goal that may be a little ... optimistic (to be charitable), but it can produce some cool results, as evidenced by the video "remixes" produced by the "Playing For Change" initiative. "Stand By Me" is the one with 10,000,000+ YouTube hits, but I actually prefer the one below for "One Love."

One thing I found curious: while the filmmakers got to India and Nepal, they seem to have run out of money (and/or air miles), since the Asia of the Pacific Rim is noticeably absent.

Top 10 Break-Up Songs Of All Time

NOTE: Videos have been updated (as of o5/o1/09) after some of the originals were no longer available.

You know them. You love them. Not in a "wow, this is an awesome song" kind of way, but more in a "wow, this song makes me feel awful, and right now that's perfect" kind of way. When your heart has been broken, their maudlin melodies, schmaltzy lyrics, and often overwrought performances are somehow just right.

One thing you'll quickly notice about this list is that it's based on songs from back when I was getting dumped, which was most of the eighties ... and the first part of the nineties. So you kids looking for your James Blunts and Jeff Buckleys are out of luck.

I got the idea for this list after listening to "Break-Up" on This American Life, and in particular the part of the show featuring writer Starlee Kine and her much more entertaining take on break-up songs, including her effort to write her own. I highly recommend listening to it, which you can at the link above as long as your plug-ins work better than mine seem to be.

Back to the whole "maudlin/overwrought" thing. There are limits. You'll find no Celine Dion or Michael Bolton here. And yes Whitney, I hear you wailing away back there. But no matter how many syllables you can get out of the "I" in "I Will Always Love You," you ain't gonna make my list.

I also think the best break-up songs are primarily "pop" songs. For instance, I'm a big fan of "Haunted When The Minutes Drag" by Love and Rockets, but I wouldn't say it's a classic break-up song.

You are free of course to disagree with any or all of these opinions. You'll just be wrong. Now grab your hanky and your memories and away we go ...

10. All Out Of Love - Air Supply (1980)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone ...

Air Supply's entire catalog seems filled with very weepy songs. Maybe there's a lot more heartache down under than I remember from the Crocodile Dundee movies. I recall from another Australian band's songs of the same era that the women glow and the men plunder, so there does seem ample opportunity for romance and conflict.

Give it a listen (and a look) here, since the persnickety poster refuses to let me embed the video.


9. Hard Habit To Break - Chicago (1984)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
You dont know what ya got until its gone
And I found out just a little too late.

Chicago and lead singer Peter Cetera also had quite a few tearjerkers. Like who can forget "I Wasn't the One (Who Said Goodbye)," Pete's duet with Agnetha Faltskog (better known as the blond one from ABBA)? Still, I think this one tops them all.

*NOTE: This was one of the videos on this list the knuckleheads at Warner Brothers music forced YouTube to take down. So this is a poor quality live version. It was the only one I could find that still have Peter Cetera singing (since that's the real "Chicago").




8. Love Theme From St. Elmo's Fire/For Just A Moment - David Foster (1985)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
Time goes on
People touch and then they're gone
And you and I
Will never love again
Like we did then ...

"What? A love theme?" you ask, quite perplexed. And yes, on the surface it does seem an odd choice. But if you've ever heard the somewhat-rare vocal version with lyrics like those above, you'll get the full bittersweet vibe only hinted at by the wailing saxophone in the more common instrumental version. As a vaguely interesting side note, many years after first hearing the vocal version, I actually met the male vocalist, Donny Gerrard, who was working on some jingles for the ad agency I was working at.

Sadly, due to some pesky copyright issues, the original video I had up here was taken down. So now you'll have to settle for hearing the instrumental version over some of the final scenes of the movie. The song kicks in about 4:40.




7. Love Hurts - Nazareth (1975)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue ...

This song was already "classic rock" by the time I could start identifying with it, but even though I'm generally not a fan of the rock ballad (particularly the dreaded "power ballad"), the purity of this one gets it on the list: "Love hurts. Love scars. Love wounds, and mars." Ouch.

While the Nazareth version is generally thought of as the "definitive" version (with Roy Orbison a strong second), it was first recorded by the Everley brothers back in 1960. Since then, everyone from Joan Jett and Cher to Pat Boone and Rod Stewart have taken a shot at it.



6. Pictures of You - The Cure (1989)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more
than to feel you deep in my heart ...

I suppose this technically strays outside the "pop" category that I had said was a requirement earlier. But Robert Smith was just made to sing break-up songs. Not just the voice, but the added anguish that comes into play when his mascara starts to run. Even on "Friday I'm In Love" he sounds more at home during the song's mid-week "Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too."




5. Every Breath You Take - The Police (1983)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
I look around, but it's you I can't replace
I feel so cold, and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby please ...

There's more than a bit of obsession in this song, something that's often a common component of many breakups (not mine, of course, despite what those restraining orders may imply). Sting says of the song: "I didn't realise at the time how sinister it is. I think I was thinking of "Big Brother," surveillance and control." But he wrote it during the breakup of his first marriage, so it definitely qualifies. It also has this cool black and white video, which definitely fits the break-up mood. At least the black part.

Thanks to the wishes of the Universal Music Group, I can't embed the video, but at least they'll let me link to it.


4. All I Want Is You - U2 (1989)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you ...

Really a tossup for me between this song and "With Or Without You." "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses" and "One" are also legitimate U2-created contenders. I suppose you could make the argument that this song is more about unrequited love than a break-up, especially if you watch the Fellini-esque video here (Again with the "Embedding Disabled." Grrr).

On a side note, this song actually made its highest chart appearance in 1994, when it was re-released as a single after appearing on the soundtrack for "Reality Bites." Which was really the nineties version of the aforementioned St. Elmo's Fire. But with Stiller/Ryder/Hawke/Zellweger instead of Lowe/Moore/Estevez/Sheedy. And as a side note to this side note, in my opinion, both are inferior to 1992's "Singles" in the beautiful twenty-somethings in-and-out-of-love genre.

3. Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor (1990)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby, where did I go wrong?

As you can tell by the pre-text messaging spelling of the title, this song was written by His Royal Purple Lowness, Prince. In fact, he originally had it recorded by a funk band called "The Family" in 1985. But Sinead made it heartbreakingly her own–and a huge hit–five years later. In fact this year VH1 ranked it #1 on their "Final Countdown - Top 50 Heartbreakers."

In this particular video, Sinead's close-up loses some of its power due to Spanish subtitles, but this is the only version I could find with the original audio. Apparently there's some pesky Prince-inspired copyright issue.




2. I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt (1991)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't ...

When I looked at lists of break-up songs that other people had composed (there's nothing new under the sun, and certainly not on the Internet), there wasn't a lot of agreement. But this song appeared on the most lists by far.

Mike Reid, who wrote the song along with Allen Shamblin, said that he was inspired to write it after reading about a man who was arrested for drunkenly shooting at his girlfriend's car. Asked if he'd learned anything by the judge, the man replied: "I learned, Your Honor, that you can't make a woman love you if she don't." And by the way, that man was not me. As far as you know.

No doubt this song came to mind when Bonnie was divorcing Danny Noonan. Here's a video of her performing it since the original video is one of the few that don't appear to be on YouTube.



1. Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now) - Phil Collins (1984)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all ...

This actually makes the second list of mine that Phil Collins has topped, as readers of my Top Miami Vice Guest Stars: Musicians post will no doubt recall.

I've always thought of this as the ultimate break-up song, something that received independent confirmation in the "This American Life" story mentioned above. Starlee Kine actually interviewed Phil, and he talked about how he wrote this song as his first marriage was crashing and burning. He said that he really thought that if his wife heard this song, she'd come back to him (she didn't). And often that's another way that break-up songs make us feel: like if our ex could just hear the song; if they could just know the way we really feel, everything would be okay. Of course, as in Phil's case, that almost never happens, no matter how many times we stand outside our ex's window holding a boom box over our heads (okay, that was "In Your Eyes," not really a break-up song, but still). And you know what? Even if it takes a few months, or even a few years, we eventually learn that we're okay–and usually better off–without them.

Anyway, with my Dr. Phil moment over, I leave you with the song. Unfortunately, once again Warner Music Group has decided to deny you the original music video. And so you'll have to make due with a heartfelt live performance by Phil. Enjoy.

At Least He Drew The Line Somewhere

NWA: "Help" The Police

Think it's Tuesday? Wrong! It's NWA Day. So sit back and learn how it goes down in the hood (more or less).

Can I Help You, Sister?

I'm not so concerned about the Googling, but I know I'll be closing the blinds tonight.

Stella Artois Channels Godard (and Amis)

If you're a fan of "film," especially French film, you'll either enjoy or be outraged by Stella Artois' re-imagining of three American movies as films from "L'Hexagone." I'm gonna go with "8 Kilometres" as the best of the bunch. And I wouldn't have bothered remaking "Die Hard 3".



Via Adfreak

Don't Be Short Changin' Your Business Cards

Beyond the critical importance this dude places on his business cards, you just know this dude considers his hair an important part of his "brand."


Hmmm. This reminds me of something ... maybe it was a movie ...

Via Make The Logo Bigger

Don't Leave The Present Without It

Say you've finally cracked that whole "space/time" thing and since you have a bit of spare time on Saturday, you knock out a time machine. So you're heading back a couple of hundred years, maybe more, just to have a look around, maybe pilfer some antiques. But, uh-oh, your "Return To Present" button is on the fritz and you're stuck.

Not to worry, thanks to this handy dandy poster (also available as a t-shirt), you'll have the 4-1-1 on a few of the major advancements you can wow the locals with. Just don't go too hog wild and get condemned as a witch.

(Click to enlarge)

Logo No-Nos

There are some really great logos out there, designed by talented art directors and graphic artists. Then, there are the other 90%–a number of which have made their way to Your Logo Makes Me Barf.



Via former colleague Mr. Whiting.

The Story of Little Red Riding Hood, No Words Required

If you've ever flown in a commercial airliner and either out of fear or boredom have looked at the safety instructions "located in the seat pocket in front of you," you've seen "informational design." It's concerned not with style, but with communicating information as clearly as possible, often without words so that language isn't an issue. While that information usually isn't a fairy tale, in this case, it is—the story of Little Red Riding Hood. If you dig this, you'll want to check out the music video for "Remind Me" by Royksopp, which obviously inspired it.


Slagsmålsklubben - Sponsored by destiny from Tomas Nilsson on Vimeo.

Via BuzzFeed

A Little of This, A Little of That: Thru-You YouTube Mash-ups

I'm a big fan of mash-ups (also known as "bootlegs," especially to my occasional European readers), but mostly limit my downloads to tunes featuring mixes of known songs and artists. Ophir Kutiel, aka Kutiman, has taken a different approach. He's painstakenly stitched together pieces of audio (and their accompanying video) from various YouTube clips to create entire new songs. A lot of work, but pretty cool results.

Check out "The Mother of All Funk Chords":



Via Mashuptown.com

Somewhere, Jan Hammer Is Crying - 80s Synth Medley

Bravo to these young lads for putting together this medley of songs from the 80s, which, I'm guessing, they weren't even alive for.

But a few electronic nits to pick (and I don't just mean the fact that they used a video camera from the 80s). I guess they were going fairly "poppy," so I'll forgive their lack of Depeche Mode, New Order, Psychedelic Furs, etc. But no "She Blinded Me With Science?"

And what could be more 80s than the theme to Miami Vice? A travesty, I tell you! Almost as grievous as this injustice.



Of course, true 80s music aficionados will have already checked out my list of "Top 10 80s Bands." Though, judging by my traffic numbers, there are actually only about nine of you. But I salute you!

Via BuzzFeed

"Cops For Kids" Is Felonious Fun for the Whole Family.

Watch as the fuzzy bunnies helps save the world from the bad dogs.


COPS for Kids! from Sunset Television on Vimeo.

(Warning: some suggestive blurriness)

Via BuzzFeed

Mel Gibson Is "The Colonel"

Finger lickin' dead.

He'll Get You A Good Rate of Return, But It Will Cost You Your Soul

I suppose this guy just doesn't know how to take or adjust a decent digital picture of himself, but I prefer to think he's the spawn of Satan.

"If I had a nickel for every time I woke up rolled inside a carpet" - Nick Nolte on Twitter

Yeah, yeah, it's not really Nick's Twitter (or is it?). Of course, it still doesn't approach a Gary Busey level of crazy.

What Exactly Is The Coach Telling My Kid?

With three kids 10 and under and a likely misbegotten belief that sports are an important part of their development, I've been to many, many youth sporting events––an intentionally vague word I use as so many of them have been some kind of practice/game amalgam where there are two teams, but no actual competition.

All that to say I can see where the author of "What Parents Must Assume I'm Saying To My Youth Soccer Team" is coming from. Youth sports coach is one of the more thankless jobs there is. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago myself and the two other coaches of our daughters' basketball team had been a little more "verbal" than usual (okay, we may have yelled variations on "Hey, are you paying attention?" once or 15 times) and one of the players turned to another and said "I'm glad my dad isn't a coach."

I'm Sorry, I'm Not Familiar With The Gentleman

I suppose if this were February 2006, "Did you know about Barack Obama?" might be a legitimate question. But I'm guessing here in 2009, if you have a pulse and enough Internet savvy to access Facebook, you may have heard about the guy some have called "the most famous person ever."

When Series Colide: The Star Trek A Team

Though this is a very well done mash-up, the parallels beyond Kirk as Hannibal are a bit of a stretch. And wouldn't Scotty be a little more Murdoch-y? And while not one to throw down, Doctor McCoy always seemed to be the one with the bad attitude.

Her Morning Elegance - Oren Lavie: Definitely A Hard Days Night

Nice to see in today's age of digital effects something relatively simple (which is not to say easy to do) can stand out. Plus the dreamy visuals definitely complement the chilled out feel of the song. I commend you, Oren Lavie, whomever you are.

Pet Peeve Time

You can call it a refrigerator. Or a fridge. But there is no such thing as a "fridgerator." That is all.

I'm The Villain With The Most Babe

You know, now that I seem them together, perhaps the makeup for this year's odds-on Oscar favorite does owe something to this 80s classic.



Via Sand & Cotton

Help Us Obama Wan, You're Our Only Hope

The website that's featuring this is all Japanese, so I have no idea what it's really all about. Other than it's awesome.

If you visit the site and endure a long load time (at least as of this writing), you'll be rewarded with other poses, including a little something I like to refer to as "Ninjobama."



Via BuzzFeed

Break Out Your 8-Ball Jackets and Your High Top Fades

I'd love to mockingly laugh along at this fellow's poor taste in early 90s rap, but I'm afraid my paying good money to see "House Party" at the theater disqualifies me.

Tears, Everyone, Tears

Farewell, Ricardo Montalban. I think this is a fitting tribute.

Mark Gromley: Rock God

I've never been a fan of the "power ballad." Though I'm strangely drawn to the song (or at least the video) for "Without You" from Mark Gromley. Actually, I'm not sure it's a power ballad, or really what it is.

And while I appreciate Mr. Gromley's effort (if not his charisma), I have to say I'm a little creeped out by the video's presenter, who also looks to be the video's producer. I'm sensing a scam whereby Mr. Gromley paid Mr. Katt several thousand dollars to make him a star. Though now, despite his cable access beginnings, he's on his way.

Daddy, Where Do Jam Band Fans Come From?