Top 10 Break-Up Songs Of All Time

NOTE: Videos have been updated (as of o5/o1/09) after some of the originals were no longer available.

You know them. You love them. Not in a "wow, this is an awesome song" kind of way, but more in a "wow, this song makes me feel awful, and right now that's perfect" kind of way. When your heart has been broken, their maudlin melodies, schmaltzy lyrics, and often overwrought performances are somehow just right.

One thing you'll quickly notice about this list is that it's based on songs from back when I was getting dumped, which was most of the eighties ... and the first part of the nineties. So you kids looking for your James Blunts and Jeff Buckleys are out of luck.

I got the idea for this list after listening to "Break-Up" on This American Life, and in particular the part of the show featuring writer Starlee Kine and her much more entertaining take on break-up songs, including her effort to write her own. I highly recommend listening to it, which you can at the link above as long as your plug-ins work better than mine seem to be.

Back to the whole "maudlin/overwrought" thing. There are limits. You'll find no Celine Dion or Michael Bolton here. And yes Whitney, I hear you wailing away back there. But no matter how many syllables you can get out of the "I" in "I Will Always Love You," you ain't gonna make my list.

I also think the best break-up songs are primarily "pop" songs. For instance, I'm a big fan of "Haunted When The Minutes Drag" by Love and Rockets, but I wouldn't say it's a classic break-up song.

You are free of course to disagree with any or all of these opinions. You'll just be wrong. Now grab your hanky and your memories and away we go ...

10. All Out Of Love - Air Supply (1980)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone ...

Air Supply's entire catalog seems filled with very weepy songs. Maybe there's a lot more heartache down under than I remember from the Crocodile Dundee movies. I recall from another Australian band's songs of the same era that the women glow and the men plunder, so there does seem ample opportunity for romance and conflict.

Give it a listen (and a look) here, since the persnickety poster refuses to let me embed the video.


9. Hard Habit To Break - Chicago (1984)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
You dont know what ya got until its gone
And I found out just a little too late.

Chicago and lead singer Peter Cetera also had quite a few tearjerkers. Like who can forget "I Wasn't the One (Who Said Goodbye)," Pete's duet with Agnetha Faltskog (better known as the blond one from ABBA)? Still, I think this one tops them all.

*NOTE: This was one of the videos on this list the knuckleheads at Warner Brothers music forced YouTube to take down. So this is a poor quality live version. It was the only one I could find that still have Peter Cetera singing (since that's the real "Chicago").




8. Love Theme From St. Elmo's Fire/For Just A Moment - David Foster (1985)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
Time goes on
People touch and then they're gone
And you and I
Will never love again
Like we did then ...

"What? A love theme?" you ask, quite perplexed. And yes, on the surface it does seem an odd choice. But if you've ever heard the somewhat-rare vocal version with lyrics like those above, you'll get the full bittersweet vibe only hinted at by the wailing saxophone in the more common instrumental version. As a vaguely interesting side note, many years after first hearing the vocal version, I actually met the male vocalist, Donny Gerrard, who was working on some jingles for the ad agency I was working at.

Sadly, due to some pesky copyright issues, the original video I had up here was taken down. So now you'll have to settle for hearing the instrumental version over some of the final scenes of the movie. The song kicks in about 4:40.




7. Love Hurts - Nazareth (1975)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue ...

This song was already "classic rock" by the time I could start identifying with it, but even though I'm generally not a fan of the rock ballad (particularly the dreaded "power ballad"), the purity of this one gets it on the list: "Love hurts. Love scars. Love wounds, and mars." Ouch.

While the Nazareth version is generally thought of as the "definitive" version (with Roy Orbison a strong second), it was first recorded by the Everley brothers back in 1960. Since then, everyone from Joan Jett and Cher to Pat Boone and Rod Stewart have taken a shot at it.



6. Pictures of You - The Cure (1989)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more
than to feel you deep in my heart ...

I suppose this technically strays outside the "pop" category that I had said was a requirement earlier. But Robert Smith was just made to sing break-up songs. Not just the voice, but the added anguish that comes into play when his mascara starts to run. Even on "Friday I'm In Love" he sounds more at home during the song's mid-week "Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too."




5. Every Breath You Take - The Police (1983)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
I look around, but it's you I can't replace
I feel so cold, and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby please ...

There's more than a bit of obsession in this song, something that's often a common component of many breakups (not mine, of course, despite what those restraining orders may imply). Sting says of the song: "I didn't realise at the time how sinister it is. I think I was thinking of "Big Brother," surveillance and control." But he wrote it during the breakup of his first marriage, so it definitely qualifies. It also has this cool black and white video, which definitely fits the break-up mood. At least the black part.

Thanks to the wishes of the Universal Music Group, I can't embed the video, but at least they'll let me link to it.


4. All I Want Is You - U2 (1989)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you ...

Really a tossup for me between this song and "With Or Without You." "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses" and "One" are also legitimate U2-created contenders. I suppose you could make the argument that this song is more about unrequited love than a break-up, especially if you watch the Fellini-esque video here (Again with the "Embedding Disabled." Grrr).

On a side note, this song actually made its highest chart appearance in 1994, when it was re-released as a single after appearing on the soundtrack for "Reality Bites." Which was really the nineties version of the aforementioned St. Elmo's Fire. But with Stiller/Ryder/Hawke/Zellweger instead of Lowe/Moore/Estevez/Sheedy. And as a side note to this side note, in my opinion, both are inferior to 1992's "Singles" in the beautiful twenty-somethings in-and-out-of-love genre.

3. Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor (1990)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby, where did I go wrong?

As you can tell by the pre-text messaging spelling of the title, this song was written by His Royal Purple Lowness, Prince. In fact, he originally had it recorded by a funk band called "The Family" in 1985. But Sinead made it heartbreakingly her own–and a huge hit–five years later. In fact this year VH1 ranked it #1 on their "Final Countdown - Top 50 Heartbreakers."

In this particular video, Sinead's close-up loses some of its power due to Spanish subtitles, but this is the only version I could find with the original audio. Apparently there's some pesky Prince-inspired copyright issue.




2. I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt (1991)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't ...

When I looked at lists of break-up songs that other people had composed (there's nothing new under the sun, and certainly not on the Internet), there wasn't a lot of agreement. But this song appeared on the most lists by far.

Mike Reid, who wrote the song along with Allen Shamblin, said that he was inspired to write it after reading about a man who was arrested for drunkenly shooting at his girlfriend's car. Asked if he'd learned anything by the judge, the man replied: "I learned, Your Honor, that you can't make a woman love you if she don't." And by the way, that man was not me. As far as you know.

No doubt this song came to mind when Bonnie was divorcing Danny Noonan. Here's a video of her performing it since the original video is one of the few that don't appear to be on YouTube.



1. Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now) - Phil Collins (1984)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all ...

This actually makes the second list of mine that Phil Collins has topped, as readers of my Top Miami Vice Guest Stars: Musicians post will no doubt recall.

I've always thought of this as the ultimate break-up song, something that received independent confirmation in the "This American Life" story mentioned above. Starlee Kine actually interviewed Phil, and he talked about how he wrote this song as his first marriage was crashing and burning. He said that he really thought that if his wife heard this song, she'd come back to him (she didn't). And often that's another way that break-up songs make us feel: like if our ex could just hear the song; if they could just know the way we really feel, everything would be okay. Of course, as in Phil's case, that almost never happens, no matter how many times we stand outside our ex's window holding a boom box over our heads (okay, that was "In Your Eyes," not really a break-up song, but still). And you know what? Even if it takes a few months, or even a few years, we eventually learn that we're okay–and usually better off–without them.

Anyway, with my Dr. Phil moment over, I leave you with the song. Unfortunately, once again Warner Music Group has decided to deny you the original music video. And so you'll have to make due with a heartfelt live performance by Phil. Enjoy.

Hip Hop Sampling 101

The title of this article is actually 8 Most Over-used Samples In Hip Hop History, but given that most of the tracks are "old school," you don't hear them over and over again these days like you did back in the day. It's a good overview of the most popular samples, and shows that it wasn't all James Brown (though there was a whole lot of The Hardest Working Man In Show Business).

This piece also reminded me how much I used to like De La Soul. Remember?

Top 10 80s Bands: Part II

It's the 1980s again here at the Nugatorium, with Part 2 of "Top 10 80s Bands," featuring bands five through one. You can check out the first half of the countdown in Part I (10-6).

That post also has the whole long, drawn out explanation of what I considered when deciding who made the list. Suffice it to say it's not a list for the most influential bands, or the most critically acclaimed, or even most popular (though they often are that as well), but just the bands that I associate most with the eighties. So, yes, I suppose it's overly personal, like a whole lot of the other "content" you'll find around the Internets.

Anyway, let's get to it ...

5. Simple Minds

Biggest Songs: Don't You Forget About Me, Sanctify Yourself, Alive and Kicking, All The Things She Said, Somewhere In Summertime

Did someone mention John Hughes? Once again, one of his movies (in this case "The Breakfast Club") led to a band's biggest hit. For a lot of people who were in their teens back then, the decade's defining moment is likely a toss-up between hearing Simple Minds' "Don't You Forget About Me" while watching "The Breakfast Club" or listening to OMD's "If You Leave" during "Pretty In Pink."

Despite it being their biggest hit, the band always dismissed the song, likely because they didn't write it. It was written specifically for The Breakfast Club by the unlikely duo of producer Keith Forsey (who won an Oscar for "What A Feeling" from Flashdance) and Steve Schiff, guitarist for Nina Hagen's band. Simple Minds recorded it at the urging of their label, and only after it had been turned down by both Bryan Ferry and Billy Idol.



4. Pet Shop Boys

Biggest Songs: West End Girls, Opportunities (Let's Make Lots of Money), It's A Sin, What Have I Done To Deserve This, Always On My Mind, Domino Dancing

While "West End Girls" was Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe's only number one hit (in the U.S.), they followed it up with a number of jaunty electronic hits throughout the eighties. While you could argue that was their peak (except in certain clubs known for their colorful flags), they've continued to put out albums every year or two ever since. In fact they've sold more than 50 million albums worldwide.

The video for "West End Girls" isn't terribly compelling. Mostly just the Boys walking and standing around London (including, one assumes, the West End). Though Chris does make something that could very loosely be defined as a dance move about 2:30. See if you can catch it.



3. Depeche Mode

Biggest Songs: Just Can't Get Enough, People Are People, Strangelove, Behind The Wheel, Personal Jesus

To be honest, I've really never liked these guys. But it's hard to argue with over 72 million albums sold, and over 30 Top 20 singles (in the UK, granted). Though a strike against them (at least for this list) is that even though they'll always be associated with the eighties in my mind, three of their biggest albums actually came out in nineties (Violator, Songs of Faith and Devotion, Ultra).

Here they are doing some kind of naval-based Stomp routine in the video for "People Are People."



2. Duran Duran

Biggest Songs: Girls On Film, Hungry Like The Wolf, Rio, The Reflex, The Wild Boys, A View To A Kill, Notorious

I suppose many people would consider Duran Duran "pop," and they certainly were popular throughout much of the eighties, with nine top ten hits in the U.S. (plus another couple in the nineties). In fact, they'd look at Depeche Mode's 72 million records and say: "Nice start." DD has currently sold somewhere north of 100 million.

As further evidence of just how big they became, one summer during the late eighties, an ex-girlfriend of mine asked a teenage girl what she'd learned during a week at a church camp. She responded: "That I shouldn't pray to Duran Duran."

The mortals known as Duran Duran were also known for their elaborate, high-concept videos, a dramatic change from the many "band on stage" videos that were the norm at the time. In 1982, they were receiving almost no radio airplay. Then MTV put this video into heavy rotation, and the rest is eighties rock n' roll history ...



1. New Order

Biggest Songs: Temptation, Blue Monday, Bizarre Love Triangle, True Faith, Touched By The Hand of God

You'll likely recall my warning earlier about this being a personal list, and I guess this could be considered Exhibit A. New Order didn't have any where near the success of Duran Duran or Depeche Mode (or even Tears For Fears for that matter). And while certainly very influential, I don't really have any justification for putting them at number one other than when I hear them, it puts me back in my dorm room at college, cranking Substance (their greatest hits compilation from '87) on what we then very politically incorrectly called a "ghetto blaster." And yes, there's a very good chance I was wearing a skinny leather tie at the time.

I'll leave you with the potentially seizure-inducing video for my favorite New Order single and favorite eighties song of all time. You could say every time I hear it, I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue.

Top 10 80s Bands: Part I

Ahh, the 80s. The hair. The Reagans. And, of course, the music.

For me, the quintessential music of the eighties came from the new wave/modern rock/college radio-type bands. Of course there was a lot of hair metal and rap going on, as well as an obscure little album called "Thriller," but none of that evokes the era nearly as well for me. Also, I typically think of bands that favored the "electronic" as being the sound of that decade.

As far as my criteria for this list, I only wanted to include bands that had at least a few "hits" (in some cases, somewhat loosely defined), so no one-hit wonders (sorry "Split Enz" - and yes, I know they also did "Six Months In A Leaky Boat"), and no XTC, or Sonic Youth, or Bronski Beat, or Kajagoogoo, or ... well, you get the idea.

The bands also must have had their real heyday in the eighties––and then not much else. So given R.E.M. and U2's ongoing success, they don't qualify. The Cure had too many early nineties hits to make the list. And at the other end, Squeeze was too big in the late-seventies. I'm also putting The Clash in that category, as half their studio albums were recorded in the seventies.

There are also a couple of bands who did have their biggest years in the eighties, but in my mind have kind of "transcended" that one decade. So no Talking Heads, no Police.

If you disagree, your comments are welcome, and in fact encouraged. Or, as always, click on the link at the upper right that says "Create Blog" and make your own list.

With all that out of the way, grab your skinny tie and cropped jacket and let's take a look at the first five bands ...

10. Orchestral Maneuvers In The Dark

Biggest Songs: If You Leave, Joan of Arc, So In Love, Forever Live and Die

OMD will always hold a special place in my eighties heart as they were the first "new wave"-type band I was introduced to as a freshman in college (along with Alphaville). Like three other bands on this list, they gain increased "eightiesness" by having a song featured in a John Hughes movie, in this case "Pretty In Pink." "Tesla Girls" also made it into "Weird Science," but though that film was written and directed by Hughes, it's not part of the Pretty In Pink/Sixteen Candles/Breakfast Club true-eighties-starring-Molly Ringwald-triumverate. But back to Pretty in Pink ...



9. Thompson Twins

Biggest Songs: Hold Me Now, Doctor! Doctor!, Lay Your Hands On Me

As anyone with a knowledge of eighties music (or the ability to type "wikipedia") knows, there were no twins, nor anyone named "Thompson" in Thompson Twins. They were named after a pair of detectives in the Tintin comics. The Twins are another band with a Hughes-movie song, "If You Were Here" in "Sixteen Candles." But why don't we pause a few minutes, so that you can hold me now ...



8. Tears For Fears

Biggest Songs: Everybody Wants To Rule The World, Shout, Head Over Heals, Mad World, Sowing The Seeds of Love

Tears For Fears is one of those bands that you initially remember only a couple of songs for, then when you look at their discography, you recognize more and more titles. I for one had completely forgotten about "Mad World," which came out a couple of years before their huge "Songs From The Big Chair" album of 1984. In fact, all told (including post-eighties albums), they've sold over 22 million albums. Of course, most of those were sold back in the days before young punks could just download music without all that filthy lucre changing hands.

Even though "Shout" may be the first song that comes to mind for most people, I've always preferred their other, more upbeat number one hit ...



6. The Go-Gos

Biggest Songs: We Got The Beat, Our Lips Are Sealed, Vacation, Head Over Heels

The Go-Gos have a different sound than the other bands on this list, and also hold a couple of other distinctions. First, they're the only American band. And second, the only ladies (other than Alannah Currie from Thompson Twins). Belinda Carlisle and the gals were in fact quite influential in new wave. And they were also ground-breakers as the first all-female band to write their own songs and play their own instruments–and make it to the top of the Billboard charts.

I wanted to use the video for "We Got The Beat," but the black pantyhose/white pumps combo Belinda was sporting was really throwing me off. So here's "Our Lips Are Sealed" instead.



6. Psychedelic Furs

Biggest Songs: Pretty In Pink, Love My Way, Heaven, Heartbreak Beat

The Furs actually first recorded "Pretty In Pink" back in 1981, and it served as inspiration for the title of the John Hughes-penned movie. So extra points for that, even if an OMD song (see above) ended up being the bigger hit from that soundtrack.

I personally prefer "Heartbreak Beat" to "Pretty In Pink," but since this video–featuring footage of Andie, Blane, and Duckie–really helps you relive that glorious decade, Pink it is ...




Coming Soon: Bands 5 through 1 ...

The Ultimate Weapon: Gymkata

His assignment: a secret mission for the United States government. His only weapon: himself.

Hopefully this Olympics' gymnastics stars will exercise better judgment in their post-competition careers than former champion Kurt Thomas. A world champion, Kurt was denied his chance to go for the gold after those nasty Russians decided to take a drive through Afghanistan and the USA boycotted the 1980 Moscow Olympics (apparently the Russkies learned their lesson, and this time they invaded during the games).

A few years later, someone apparently thought: "You know what would be cool? A movie with ninjas ... and pommel horses!" Check out the trailer. Keep in mind, the purpose of a trailer is to make you really want to see a movie. Which for me sort of makes this an "anti-trailer."

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

Tom Bosley is exactly the kind of b-list actor you'd expect to see on The Love Boat. But that other guy ... huh.



Via Asylum

Not New, No Longer Kids

Would someone please give these guys the number of a good trade school? Maybe they aren't aware that financial aid is available for job retraining.

Miami Vice Guest Stars Part 4: Top 15 Actors

You read it right: 15. The list of guest-starring actors was just so long, I just couldn't cut it down to just 10 like the musicians in Part One, the actresses in Part Two, or "Others" in Part Three. In fact, even expanding to 15 left out people like Ving Rhames, Vincent D’Onofrio, Ron Perlman, Alfred Molina, and Nathan Lane--plus a bunch more you'll find listed at the bottom of the post. So who made the cut? May I have the envelope please ...

15. Dr. Haing S. Ngor
True, he doesn't have nearly the list of credits of the others on this list (or even the "runner-ups"). But I give him extra-credit for two reasons: 1. He did win an Academy Award for his work in "The Killing Fields." 2. Dude survived the real "Killing Fields" in Cambodia. After that, I doubt the brevity of his IMDb listing caused him many sleepless nights. On Vice, he portrayed "Inspector Nguyn Van Trahn" on Season 3's "Duty and Honor" aka (for some reason) "The Savage."

14. Michael Madsen
Of course, if you put much stock in the length of someone's IMDb listing, Mike Madsen's your man, with 161 entries (and counting). His most notable role is likely as the sadistic "Mr. Blonde" in "Reservoir Dogs." Or you may remember him from an appearance on "Jake and the Fatman," though that's less likely. Anyway, as "Sally Alvarado" in Season 1's "Give A Little, Take A Little," Madsen played a drug dealer. And who can forget this episode's other big guest star, Burt Young. Pauliiiie!

13. Stanley Tucci
The producers of Vice loved Stanley so much, they had him guest start three times as two different characters. First as "Steve Demarco" in Season 3's "Baby Blues," and then twice as mobster "Frank Mosca" in the "Contempt of Court" and "Blood & Roses" episodes from Season 4. In another bit of late-eighties TV history, shortly after his last Vice appearance, Mr. Tucci appeared in "thirtysomething" as Michael and Elliot's nemesis "Karl Draconis." With a name like that, what else could he have been?

12. Chris Cooper
Joining Dr. Ngor on the list of Miami Vice guest star actors with Oscar statues on their mantels (with another to come further down the list), Chris Cooper is one of those hard-working character actors who you'd see on the street and think "He looks familar ..." but not be able to name. In the big "Mirror Image" finale from Season 4, Cooper played dirty cop "Jimmy Yagovitch." The episode also featured another Oscar-winner you may have heard of: Julia Roberts.

In case you can't put a face to Mr. Cooper, here's some video ...



11. John Leguizamo
Like Stanley Tucci, John Leguizamo played two different characters on Vice. Though between Season 2's finale, "Sons and Lovers" and Season 3's "Afternoon Plane," his first character's name changed from "Ivan Calderone" to "Orlando Calderone." So it's almost like 2.5 characters. At any rate, Mr. Leguizamo was back in the final season's "Victim of Circumstance" in a definitely non-Calderone role as "Angelo Alvarez," though he took a demotion from drug kingpin to mere drug dealer.

10. John Turturro
A favorite of both Spike Lee and the Coen Brothers, John Turturro has portrayed a number of oddball characters during his long career. In Season 1's "Rites of Passage," Turturro was more slimy than strange as John Traynor, a pimp for high-end call girls. One of those gals happens to be the younger sister of Tubbs' old flame, played by Pam Grier. Hilarity most definitely did not ensue.

9. Steve Buscemi
Another actor who's found success playing characters who are a little "out there," Mr. Buscemi appeared on Vice as "Rickles" in Season 3's "El Viejo," which is, of course, Spanish for "The Viejo." You may remember from our earlier look at top musician guest stars that "The Viejo" also featured an appearance by country legend and wacky-tobaccy enthusiast Willie Nelson.

8. Wesley Snipes
Currently awaiting sentencing for charges relating to income tax evasion, some of Wesley Snipes' earliest earnings were as drug dealer/pimp "Silk" (aw, poor guy had to work two jobs) in Season 3's "Streetwise." One of Silk's stable is in love with a character played by ...

7. Bill Paxton
"Vic Romano," played by Mr. Paxton in "Streetwise," is an undercover cop with questionable taste in women. Specifically, Carla, a 17-year old hooker. "Streewise" came out the same year (1986) as "Aliens," the movie featuring my favorite Bill Paxton character, the rather high-strung "Private Hudson." "Game over man!"

6. Ben Stiller
Yes, a young Ben made an appearance on Vice as the slimy con man "Fast Eddie Felcher" in Season 4's "Amen ... Send Money." Brian Dennehy was also on board as the excellently named televangelist "Billy Bob Proverb." And because I can't find any video or anything else profound to say about this episode, I'll throw out the fact that its German title was "Das goldene Kalb," "The Golden Calf."

5. Laurence Fishburne
"Larry" Fishburne (so reads his credit) played Keller, a crooked prison guard in Season 3's "Walk Alone." That same year (1986), Laurence/Larry also appeared in the Michael Mann Executive-Produced "Band of the Hand," which was also set in Miami. Mr. Mann probably figured he could save on airfare by flying Laurence in for both gigs. '86 was also the year Fishburne began another, very different role: "Cowboy Curtis" on Pee-wee's Playhouse.

4. Viggo Mortensen
A young Viggo made an appearance in Season 3's "Red Tape" as vice squad member "Eddie Trumball" alongside a partner (in the cop sense, not the other way it's often used in South Beach) played by Lou Diamond Phillips. Sadly, we didn't get to see Eddie after the credits because, well, you'll see ...


3. Liam Neeson
Liam Neeson and his Gaelic charm showed up in Miami as "Sean Carroon" in "When Irish Eyes Are Crying," which kicked off the supposedly "darker" Season 3. Instead of one of the usual rogues' gallery of drug dealers and pimps that populated the show, Mr. Neeson plays an IRA terrorist. Gina falls for him, though when she learns about the whole terrorist thing, it puts a little strain on their relationship, as you'll see here:


Bonus video! This episode also featured a notable scene that sort of set the tone for the changes that were on deck for the new season (beyond Tubbs wearing glasses for some reason).


2. Benicio Del Toro
After three former Oscar nominees in a row, we come to a guy who actually took home the hardware. Del Toro plays "Pito" in Season 3's "Everybody's in Showbiz" episode. This was actually his first screen credit (at least according to IMDb), and no doubt helped him land the role of "Duke the Dog-Faced Boy" in "Big Top Pee-wee" the next year.

Catch him looking a little worse-for-wear at the beginning of this clip. Plus you get to hear Sonny dubbed into Japanese. Hai!


1. Bruce Willis
No, he hasn't won an Oscar yet--though his rumored role as Hannibal Smith in the A-Team movie may change that. But Bruce has been a huge star for a lot of years. And a few years before his career really took off on "Moonlighting," Bruce appeared in "No Exit" from Season 1 as "Tony Amato," a very bad arms dealer and even worse husband.

You can see evidence of both sides of his villainy in this fan-created "trailer" from that episode.


Other Guest-Starring Actors: David Strathairn, Dean Stockwell, Brad Dourif (three more Academy Award nominees), Ian McShane, Paul Gleason, Jimmy Smits, Ed O’Neill, Terry O’Quinn, Charles Dutton, Luis Guzman, John Heard, Gary Cole, Richard Belzer, Jeff Fahey, John Spencer, Miguel Ferrer, Oliver Platt

And I guess that's it for guest stars. Don't forget to check out Part 1: Top 10 Musicians, Part 2: Top 10 Actresses, and Part 3: Top 10 "Others."

Maybe I'll write something about all the great music on Miami Vice. Hmmm ...

Miami Vice Guest Stars Part 3: Top 10 "Others"

Since I want to finish strong with the long, long list of actors who have been Miami Vice guest stars, after reviewing musicians in Part One and actresses in Part Two, I thought I'd take a look at a group I've creatively named "Others." Not primarily actors or musicians, they're a diverse lot: a model, a comedian, an NBA legend, a corporate titan. I picked them as much for the oddity of their appearing in a prime time TV drama as for their "celebrity." In fact many of them wouldn't even make the cut for "The Surreal Life" or its many spawn.

10. Michael Bay
Today, Michael Bay is a A-list director of movies that feature lots of explosions and dramatic slo-mo shots of lead characters walking toward camera: "Bad Boys,""The Rock,""Armageddon," etc. In fact, Mr. Bay is often accused of the same "style over substance" charges that have been leveled at Miami Vice. And no doubt his own style was influenced by his time on the Vice set while playing a goon (and that's how his credit reads, "Goon") in Season 2's "Free Verse." Joining Michael at the craft service table that week were Jeremy Piven's dad and the jet-setting celebrity you'll see at #5.

9. Roberto Duran
Known both for having "Hands of Stone" and for his infamous "no mas" surrender to Sugar Ray Leonard, Roberto Duran was one of the world's top boxers through the Seventies and Eighties. While you might assume that Roberto was in the two-part boxing themed "Down for the Count," he actually played convict "Jesus Maroto" in Season 2's "Payback."

8. Iman
Lately known as Mrs. David Bowie, former supermodel Iman was the oddly spelled "Dakotah" in the "Back in the World" episode from Season 2--notable for being Don Johnson's directorial debut (he'd go on to direct four episodes in all). Possibly due to an exercising of his director's perogative--or because he figured he could save on some child support payments--Patty D'Arbanville, the mother of his son Jesse, also made an appearance in that episode. As did ...

7. G. Gordon Liddy
Formerly a Watergate "plumber" and currently an irascible right-wing talk show host, Liddy made two appearances on Vice: "Back in the World" from Season 2, and "Stone's War" from Season 3. In both he played politician/drug dealer "Colonel Maynard," a blast from Sonny's Vietnam past. "Stone's War" is also notable for the introduction of another important Vice character: Sonny's white Ferrari Testarossa.

6. Leonard Cohen
Poet, novelist, and member of the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame for his work as a songwriter (he also was a "singer," though he did more of a melodic spoken word kind of thing), Leonard Cohen's on-screen credits as an actor are quite limited. But one of those is Interpol agent Francois Zolan in Season 2's "French Twist"--another doozy from the pun-happy Vice episode titlers.

5. Bianca Jagger
Former Mrs. Mick and Studio 54 denzien Bianca Jagger was "Carmen" or "La Muerta" in Season 2's "Free Verse." Assumedly she mostly went with "Carmen" since introducing herself as "La Muerta" would have blown her cover as a deadly assassin. In this case, she was out to kill a Latin American poet (played by the aformentioned Jeremy Piven's dad).

4. Don King
In a big stretch, boxing promoter and hairstyle icon Don King played boxing promoter "Don Cash" in Season 2's two-part "Down for the Count." Of course, you always get the sense that Don King is playing a character named "Don King" anyway.

3. Lee Iacocca
Addressing the dearth of Fortune 500 CEOs appearing in cop shows, former head of Chrysler Lee Iacocca had an uncredited role as Parks Commissioner in the finale to Season 2, "Sons and Lovers." This is the kind of completely random casting that I love about Vice.

2. Bill Russell
With 11 NBA Championships and five league MVP wins, Bill Russell is certainly the most accomplished athlete to appear on Vice. In the gambling-themed "The Fix" from Season 2, Russell plays "Judge Ferguson," a degenerate gambler being hounded by a bookie played by none other than a pre-Kramer Michael Richards. Former NBA All-Star Bernard King also appeared as Russell's son, a college basketball player.

Hey look, a video!


1. Chris Rock
You're probably saying, isn't Chris Rock an actor? Well, did you see "Beverly Hills Ninja" or "Pootie Tang?" If so, you'd feel more comfortable classifying him as a comedian. Any acting ability he has was on early display as techy file clerk "Carson" in the "Missing Hours" episode from Season 4. Not sure what went on in that episode, though apparently Trudy had an encounter with a UFO. In any show not named "The X Files," that's not a good sign.

And here's Mr. Rock in action, another reason to love (or hate) YouTube.


Other Guest-Starring, uh, Others: Tommy Chong, Peter Allen, John Matuszak, Danny Sullivan, Penn, Teller, Emo Phillips

Don't forget about Top 10 Guest Star Actresses and Top 10 Guest Star Musicians

Miami Vice Guest Stars Part 2: Top 10 Actresses

In Part Two of our flashback tour of Miami Vice guest stars, we turn to the ladies. While not as prominent a group as the musicians from Part One, as diverse as the "Others" we'll see in Part 3, or as numerous as the actors in the forthcoming Part 4, there still are some big names here, including three Oscar nominees and two Oscar winners––one of whom went on to become the biggest female star in Hollywood. Can you guess who without scrolling down? Let the games begin!

10. Amanda Plummer
Okay, we're not exactly starting off with a bang. But the top three actresses are the real deal, honest! And, hey, Amanda was Honey Bunny in "Pulp Fiction," so that's something. More importantly for our little exercise, she was legal secretary Lisa Madsen in Season 5's "Fruit of the Poison Tree."

9. Kelly Lynch
In "Roadhouse" she was the Patrick Swayze's girlfriend. In "Drugstore Cowboy," she was Matt Dillon's girlfriend. And more recently in "The L Word," Kelly was ... er, her girlfriend's girlfriend. But before all that, in Miami Vice's "Death and the Lady" from Season 4, Ms. Lynch played two lookalikes, at least one of whom is named Lori Swan and gets murdered.

8. Laura San Giacomo
Another star of rather modest wattage, Laura has had a solid post-Vice career, kicking off with "Sex, Lies and Videotape" back in '89. And remember TV's delightful "Just Shoot Me!"? Uh, me either. Anyway, Ms. San Giacomo portrayed Tania Louis in "Leap of Faith" from Vice's final season. She was among a group of younger cops that were supposed to be part of some kind of ill-conceived spin off series. Guess that didn't work out.

7. Kyra Sedgwick
Kyra holds the distiction of being less than one degree away from Kevin Bacon, having been married to him since 1988. No doubt he was smitten after watching her play Sarah MacPhail in Season 2's "Phil The Shill" episode opposite #1 guest star musician Phil Collins. And since this is my list, I'm giving her extra points for being in "Singles," one of my favorite movies.

6. Rita Moreno
I know what you're thinking. But the woman did win an Oscar. Granted, it was in 1961, and it was for "West Side Story," but still, she has the hardware. And instead of hooker or one of Crockett's girlfriends, she played Congresswoman Madelyn Woods in "Miami Squeeze" from Season 5. As the show isn't called "Miami Virtue," it likely won't surprise you to learn Rita's character was corrupt.

5. Pam Grier
Appearing in three episodes in Seasons 1 and 5, Ms. Grier got to nicely bookend the series playing "Valerie Gordon," Tubbs' old flame from New York. She probably was bummed that her character's name wasn't nearly as cool as some she'd played in the movies, like Coffy, Gozelda, Foxy Brown, or "Ayesa, the Panther Woman."

Valerie comes to the rescue mid-way through the video below, and then again at the end making kissy face with Tubbs.


4. Helena Bonham Carter
Okay, here's the first of three Oscar nominees in a row. Helena showed up in a couple of episodes in Season 3 playing Dr. Theresa Lyons. Sonny actually plans on making her the second Mrs. Crockett, but she has a deep, dark secret. Hint: it starts with "H" and rhymes with "heroine."

She did get her own Jan Hammer-composed theme though. You can hear it in this fan-created montage featuring a very young (and, frankly, not terribly attractive) Bonham Carter and Jan's haunting "Theresa."


3. Annette Benning
Back before "The Grifters," "Bugsy," and the resulting marriage to Warren Beatty, Ms. Bening appeared as Vicky Madden in Season 3's "Red Tape" episode. Honestly don't know how Vicky figured into the plot of someone feeding drug dealers information about upcoming busts, but I do know Crockett and Tubbs teamed up with Lou Diamond Phillips and a another young actor who shall remain nameless until you read the upcoming "Top Guest Star Actors" post. My intensive research also uncovered the fact that in Germany this episode was titled "Sprengstoff", meaning "Blasting Agent." Yes, I like to inform as well as entertain.

2. Melanie Griffith
As far as I know, Melanie is the only actress on the list who was actually married to Sonny in real life. Certainly the only one who was married to him twice. However, Melanie's appearance in the groan-inducingly titled "By Hooker By Crook" episode from Season 3 occurred between their bouts of wedded bliss. Though she did at least get to play his love interest, the socialite/madame Christine von Marburg. Supporting Melanie in her role were other guest "stars" Vanity, George Takei, and Rock n' Wrestling Connection member Captain Lou Albano.

You can see most of them in the poor-quality video below. But at least its been dubbed into Portuguese, which is nice. Also, this is supposedly an "uncut" version that was only on the VHS (remember those?) release, not the cable version or DVD. So some extra shots of Mel and Don ... uh, pretending they're still married. Mostly backs and hands grasping sheets in a suggestive manner.


1. Julia Roberts
Yes, one of this pretty woman's first credits was as "Polly Wheeler" in "Mirror Image," Season 4's cliffhanging season finale. Julia's character is the assistant to a Colombian businessman who, given that this is Miami Vice, is also a drug kingpin. As you may recall, after an explosion on a yacht, Sonny awakes to find he has lost his memory. Because he was undercover at the time, he's told by the bad guys who rescue him that he is Sonny Burnett, notorious drug dealer.

Anyway, here's Sonny "I'm Wearing A Tie So You Know I've Got Identity Issues" Burnett/Crockett and Ms. Roberts. Wow she looks and sounds young. Which, at 21, I guess she was. Then again, in 1988, weren't we all?



Other Guest-Starring Actresses: Penelope Ann Miller, Joan Chen, Eartha Kitt, CCH Pounder, the aforementioned Vanity

Don't miss Part 1: Top Ten Musician Guest Stars

Miami Vice Guest Stars: Top 10 Musicians

While I've backed off a bit from my long-held contention that Miami Vice is the greatest show in the history of television (the main source of my disillusionment? Three words: Philip Michael Thomas), I still maintain that it featured the greatest roster of guest stars of any show ever. Well, of any TV drama. The Muppet Show was also pretty strong.

Anyway, years ago I created a list of the show's many notable guest appearances. It was a document that became famous with the four or five people I shared it with. Now, through the magic of the Interweb, I can reach a theoretical audience of millions. And a realistic audience of ... four or five.

At any rate, the list is so extensive, I've broken it down into four parts: Actors, Actresses, Musicians, and "Others." Let's start with the musicians, shall we? These are just the artists who actually appeared on the show. As far as Vice's revolutionary use of popular music, that will be a whole other post or seven. Here we go ...

10. Frank Zappa
Zappa played "weasel dust" dealer "Mario Fuente" in the Season 2 episode "Payback," which also featured Mr. Hands of Stone, Roberto Duran.

9. Gene Simmons
Remember back before his reality TV career when Gene Simmons was in a band? Any members of the KISS Army out there? In Miami Vice, Dr. Tongue got to play a character with a great name--"Newton Blade"-- to kick off Season 2 in "Prodigal Son." Other notable guests in this episode include: Pam Grier, Luis Guzman, Penn Jilette, and Charles Dutton.

8. Iggy Pop
Okay, IMDb failed to give me an episode listing for Iggy's guest shot, but I had it on my original list and I saw him mentioned elsewhere as appearing on-screen, so I'm going with it. I'll guess it was "Kill Shot" from Season 3, as that episode featured the his classic "Wild Child."

7. Miles Davis
I don't recall this episode--"Junk Love"--from Season 2, but he played "Ivory Jones." I'm going to go out on a limb and guess he was a jazz musician. I'm only ranking him this high because, well, he's Miles Davis.

6. Ted Nugent
The Motor City Madman none too surprisingly portrayed a bad guy, "Charlie Barret," the femme fatale's henchman in Season 2's "Definitely Miami" episode. The Nuge (not to be confused with "Noogie," a recurring character played by Charlie Barnett--wow, that is kind of confusing) also had his song "Angry Young Man" featured.

Here he is in all his no-shirt-under-a-linen-blazered glory:


5. James Brown
I can't dis the The Hardest Working Man In Show Business by ranking him lower. In this case, his work was in "Missing Hours" as "Lou De Long" alongside Chris Rock in Season 4. One review I read called this the worst episode of the entire series, but it did feature The Godfather of Soul's "I Feel Good," so it can't be all bad.

4. Glenn Frey
Glenn makes it this high because he was the first major musician to guest on the show, portraying "Jimmy Cole" in "Smuggler's Blues" from Season 1. That show also featured his hit song of the same name.

Hey, look, here he is now!


3. Sheena Easton
I know, I know. While this Scottish siren isn't a music legend like some of the others ranked lower, she did have the largest role on the show of any "musician" by far. As singer Caitlin Davies (ooo, a stretch), she was featured in four episodes in Season 4, and actually became Mrs. Sonny Crockett (and, assumedly, Mrs. Sonny Burnett as a bonus) in "Deliver Us From Evil." Alas, a long and happy life together was not meant to be.

Try not to tear up as you watch their nuptials. BTW, I think Sonny's hair being this feathered signaled the beginning of the end for the show.


2. Willie Nelson
Did someone say "legend?" Long before he was singing duets and smoking blunts with Snoop Dogg, Willie crossed over to play "Old Texas Ranger" in the "El Viejo" episode from Season 3.

He shows up toward the end of this video, getting tough with an extra weaselly looking Steve Buscemi.


1. Phil Collins
Yes, Phil Collins. While only appearing in one episode as "Phil Mayhew" in Season 2's "Phil The Shill" (along with Kyra Sedgwick and Emo Philips), he gets extra points for writing and performing the seminal Miami Vice song for the seminal Miami Vice music-driven scene: "In The Air Tonight" from Season 1, Episode 1.

Hard as it may be to believe today, this scene was a breakthrough in episodic television and unlike anything that had come before. So forget seeing Phil act, let's just let him sing ...


Other Guest Starring Musicians: Isaac Hayes, Little Richard, Frankie Valli, John Taylor