Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Top 10 Biggest Stars' Worst Movies

Sure, these stars now pull down $10 million or more a movie (well, maybe not Harrison anymore). But each of them has a few stinkers in their past. Some have more than a few.

Now, I'm not talking about their first movies, because, hey, they were just trying to break in to the business and pay for their Ramen noodles and coke (at least in the 80s). No, these are movies they made long after they should have known better.

The 10 stars were chosen based on this list of career box office numbers through 2008. That means today's younger stars aren't represented. They still have plenty of time to make movies they'll be embarrassed about. For some, that's already happened. (I imagine Jessica Alba wasn't especially proud of "The Love Guru.")

10. Julia Roberts - Full Frontal (2002)

Sample Review:
"A boring, amateurish, incomprehensible and stupefyingly pretentious pile of swill." —Rex Reed, New York Observer

Julia probably thought: "I'm a little iffy on this one, but Stephen Soderbergh did help me get that Oscar for Erin Brockovich. How bad can it be?" Pretty bad. And, to the disappointment of adolescent boys everywhere, there wasn't even any actual "full frontal."


9. Johnny Depp - The Astronaut's Wife (1999)

Sample Review:
"'The Astronaut's Wife' stinks from the Earth to the moon." - Wesley Morris, San Francisco Examiner

Johnny Depp plays a space shuttle pilot who, after some oddness in space, impregnates Charlize Theron with some kind of alien. And no, I'm not making that up. You can see for yourself for free, as the entire movie (split into chunks) is available on YouTube. Which shows even the copyright holder is too embarrassed to identify himself in order to get it taken down.


8. Cameron Diaz - What Happens In Vegas (2008)
Sample Review:
"When it was over I felt vaguely embarrassed. I wasn't just leaving a movie theater. I was taking a walk of shame." - Wesley Morris, Boston Globe

I know, you're saying, "Cameron Diaz is the 8th biggest movie star? Really?" Well, $5,165,307,420 in box office receipts (the vast majority coming from various Shreks) can't be wrong.

"What Happens In Vegas" not only has the dubious honor of making numerous "Worst Movies of 2008" lists, but the additional badge of shame known as "Starring Ashton Kutcher."


7.Will Smith - Wild Wild West (1999)

Sample Review:
"Extremely stupid and incompetent." - Amy Taubin, Village Voice

While the whole starring/rapping the theme song thing worked for "Men In Black," Will went to the well one too many times. Though at least the theme song included a cameo by Kool Moe Dee, who rapped the original "WWW."


6. Robin Williams - Fathers' Day (1997)

Sample Review:
"`Father's Day' is a brainless feature-length sitcom with too much sit and no com." - Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

Wow, given his body of work, it's difficult to pick a "worst" for Robin. But choose we must. In the review mentioned above, Mr. Ebert brings up a very good point about the many crappy movies featuring the former Mork from Ork: "You can always tell a lazy Robin Williams movie by the unavoidable scene in which he does a lot of different voices and characters." You can actually catch a bit of that desperation ploy in the trailer below:


5. Eddie Murphy - The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)

Sample Review:
"So unremittingly awful that labeling it a dog probably constitutes cruelty to canines." - Lou Lumenick, New York Post

Yikes. Once again, very hard to choose a "winner" from Mr. Murphy's oeuvre. But considering this flop reportedly cost $100 million to make, and garnered a mere "6% Fresh" on RottenTomatoes.com, it gets the nod.


4. Tom Cruise - Vanilla Sky (2001)
Sample Review:
"A hopeless jumble of romance, psychodrama, sci-fi and spiritual posturing." - Susan Stark, Detroit News

I was actually surprised at how few embarrassments Tom has been a part of. Sure, people made fun of his accent in "Far and Away," and he looked a little silly in "Interview With A Vampire." But overall, he's exercised pretty good judgment. At least professionally. However, "Vanilla Sky" was definitely a bit of a mess. As you can tell by this ending. And no, if you saw the rest of the movie, this really wouldn't make a whole lot more sense.


3. Harrison Ford - Random Hearts (1999)


Sample Review:
"Almost everything that is wrong with the Hollywood system can be found here." - Desson Thomson, Washington Post

For a guy who's starred in two of the biggest movie franchises of all time, Harrison has also been a part of more than his fair share of crap. And unfortunately, by all accounts, this year's "Crossing Over" is another nail in his cinematic coffin. Going back a decade, he was part of this thriller/romance that wasn't enough of either.


2. Tom Hanks - The Bonfire of the Vanities (1990)

Sample Review:
"Destroy this film; watch it only to see a good example of a lousy adaptation." - Bob Bloom, Journal & Courier

Looking through the resume of the beloved Mr. Hanks, you're hard-pressed to find truly awful movies. I guess he and "his people" know what they're doing. But even his worst stumble was infamously spectacular in its failure. "The Bonfire of the Vanities" was based on a hugely successful—even iconic—novel, was directed by a big name (Brian DePalma), and featured an all-star cast (Bruce Willis, Melanie Griffith, and Morgan Freeman, as well as Mr. Hanks). But despite its superior pedigree, its terrible reviews and anemic box office established it as one of the biggest flops of all time.


1. Samuel Jackson - Twisted (2004)

Sample Review:
"The greatest mystery in this nonsensical thriller is why Philip Kaufman, a first-rate director, lent his talents to such a mediocre piece of studio hackwork."- A.O. Scott, New York Times

Yep, Samuel Jackson is Number One, having been a part of movies that have grossed a mind boggling $8,464,252,292. The biggest of course was "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace." And no, that's not his worst movie. Not by a long shot. He definitely has the quantity thing down. The quality? Not so much. "Jumper," "The Spirit," "Cleaner," "The Man." There's a reason you likely haven't heard of at least a couple of those—and that's just the last four years. But if we go back to 2004, we find the train wreck that was "Twisted." A film that garnered a stunning 2% "fresh" rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

We tip our Kangols to you, Mr. Jackson.

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