Shouldn't that make him Dr. T?

The 31 Songs of Rocktober Part One: 1979-1988

31 days hath Rocktober, and what better way to celebrate than by providing a most-excellent example of rock 'n' roll for each and every one of them. To add a level of temporal confusion and complexity, I'm picking one song from each of the last 31 years.

And we're not going to play the whole "What's rock 'n' roll?" game. It's gotta have lots of guitars and drums, the more and louder the better. While not mandatory, long hair and leather apparel definitely are worth bonus points.

I believe I'll be able to track down video for each song, though the helpful folks at the record labels have decreed that virtually every official music video can't be embeddable, so most songs will be live performances.

Now, if you can answer "yes" to the musical question "ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!!!" we'll begin.

1979: "My Sharona" - The Knack
Well, we're certainly off to a great start, with one of rock's most recognizable riffs. If lead singer and guitarist Doug Fieger and Wikipedia are to be believed, a Ms. Sharona Alperin was the little pretty one, pretty one, who made his motor run, motor run.

Runners Up: "I Want You To Want Me" - Cheap Trick; "Renegade" - Styx; "I Was Made For Lovin' You" - Kiss

Here are Doug and the boys live from Carnegie Hall with what ended up as the #1 song on Billboard's Pop Singles Chart for '79.


1980: "Heartbreaker" - Pat Benatar
As you can see from the runners up below, there were a lot of very strong contenders this year. But I'm going to go a little more "pop" and recognize the five feet and 95 pounds of rock 'n' roll fury formerly known as Patricia Andrzejewski.

Runners Up: "Refugee" - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers; "Ace of Spades" - Motorhead; "You Shook Me All Night Long" - AC/DC; "Crazy Train" - Ozzy Osbourne; "And The Cradle Will Rock" - Van Halen

Watch and see why you don't mess around with Ms. Benatar, no-no-no!


1981: "Back In Black" - AC/DC
Was there really any question for this year? (Okay, it did pain me not to go with "Tom Sawyer".) But you can't argue with another of rock's most recognizable riffs kicking off a tune that VH1 ranked as the fifth greatest hard rock song of all time and that Rolling Stone ranked number 29 on "The 100 Greatest Guitar Songs of All Time."

Runners Up: "Tom Sawyer" - Rush; "Another One Bites The Dust" - Queen; "The Stroke" - Billy Squier; "Start Me Up" - Rolling Stones

Now, without further ado, show us what you got Angus.


1982: "I Love Rock 'n' Roll" - Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
Hard to pass on a title like that. And America found it hard to pass on the song (segue!), as it finished the year as the #2 hit on Billboard's Top 100. And here's a little piece of trivia that at least I didn't know: a pre-Blackheart-backed Ms. Jett first recorded this song two years earlier with two members of the Sex Pistols, Steve Jones and Paul Cook.

Runners Up: "Don't Stop Believin'" - Journey; "You've Got Another Thing Comin'" - Judas Priest; "Juke Box Hero" - Foreigner; "Run to the Hills" - Iron Maiden; "White Wedding" - Billy Idol

Now let's put another dime in the jukebox, baby ...


1983: "Twilight Zone" - Golden Earring
Also (erroneously) known as "When The Bullet Hits The Bone," this song did reach #10 on the Billboard Hot 100 and #1 on the Billboard Top Tracks chart. But, along with the band's other big hit, "Radar Love," it's also proven to be an enduring radio track that has aged much better than, say, "Cum On Feel the Noize."

Runners Up: "Gimme All Your Lovin'" - ZZ Top; "Cum On Feel the Noize" - Quiet Riot; "Photograph" - Def Leppard; "Bark at the Moon" - Ozzy Osbourne

So, what time is it? It's two a.m. (it's two a.m.) ...


1984: "Rock You Like A Hurricane" - Scorpions
Speaking of songs that don't age particularly well ... Actually, I think "Rock You Like A Hurricane" perfectly encapsulates the somewhat cheesy hard rocking sounds of the mid-80s (Ratt, Poison, Quiet Riot, Twisted Sister, etc.). And I say "danke" to the boys from Hanover for showing us that not all hard rockin' music from Germany is that really scary death metal.

Runners Up: "Jump" - Van Halen; "Owner of a Lonely Heart" - Yes; "Legs" - ZZ Top; "Rebel Yell" - Billy Idol; "We're Not Gonna Take It" - Twisted Sister; "I Can't Drive 55" - Sammy Hagar

C'mon, c'mon' c'mon, let's watch a live performance.


1985: "She Sells Sanctuary" - The Cult
While not nearly as big a hit as any of the runners up, "She Sells Sanctuary" has always been a personal favorite of mine, and so I'll invoke blogger's privilege. It's one of those songs I forget how much I enjoy until it comes up in my iTunes playlist, I (rarely) hear it on the radio, or it shows up somewhere unexpected, like the movie Layer Cake.

Runners Up: "Money For Nothing" - Dire Straits; "Some Like It Hot" - Power Station; "Smokin' in the Boys Room" - Motley Crue

Let's enjoy it together, shall we?


1986: "You Give Love A Bad Name" - Bon Jovi
Bit of a sparse year for hard-rockin' hits, as you can tell by this selection and the runners up (John Cougar Mellenkamp?). Though I suppose the list would be a little longer if I didn't refuse to acknowledge Van Halen as a band after Diamond Dave left. Anyway, this isn't a bad song by the boys from Jersey.

Runners Up: "R.O.C.K. in the USA" - John Cougar Mellenkamp; "Addicted to Love" - Robert Palmer; "Tuff Enuff" - Fabulous Thunderbirds

You're shot through the heart and this song's to blame ...


1987: "Welcome to the Jungle" - Guns N' Roses
Love 'em or hate 'em, there was no question GNR was a rock and roll band when they exploded onto the scene, with all the drama, destruction, and volume that entailed. You couldn't ignore Axl Rose's voice, or Slash's guitar. "Welcome to the Jungle" was actually the first song that Axl and Slash wrote together. And as a title and a song, it certainly was a fitting announcement of their debut.

Runners Up: "Pour Some Sugar On Me" - Def Leppard; "Girls, Girls, Girls" - Motley Crue; "Love Removal Machine" - The Cult; "Keep Your Hands to Yourself" - Georgia Satellites

Watch this and it will bring you to your n-n-n-n-n-n-n-knees ...


1988: "Cult of Personality" - Living Color
Since I already gave GNR 1987, there really wasn't another contender for this year other than Living Color's biggest hit. Given that it won the Grammy for Best Hard Rock Performance the next year, I guess I'm not alone in that opinion.

Runners Up: "Sweet Child O' Mine" - Guns N' Roses; "I Hate Myself for Loving You" - Joan Jett & The Blackhearts; "Beds Are Burning" - Midnight Oil

Here are Corey, Vernon and the rest of the guys from another classic bit of late-80s culture: the Arsenio Hall Show.


Tune in next week as we spin the stax o' wax of Rocktober hits from 1989-1998.

Early Muppets Say "Drink Wilkins Cofffee. Or Else."

Hard to believe that Jim Henson, the man behind Elmo and Big Bird, also created these violent (in an "Itchy & Scratchy" kind of way) TV commercials for Wilkins Coffee. Apparently the late Fifties were a more brutal time, at least when it came to the consequences of brand preference.

Of course, there were some freaks on The Muppet Show. And Jim had that whole "Dark Crystal" phase, but still ...


Via AdFreak

Top 10 Biggest Stars' Worst Movies

Sure, these stars now pull down $10 million or more a movie (well, maybe not Harrison anymore). But each of them has a few stinkers in their past. Some have more than a few.

Now, I'm not talking about their first movies, because, hey, they were just trying to break in to the business and pay for their Ramen noodles and coke (at least in the 80s). No, these are movies they made long after they should have known better.

The 10 stars were chosen based on this list of career box office numbers through 2008. That means today's younger stars aren't represented. They still have plenty of time to make movies they'll be embarrassed about. For some, that's already happened. (I imagine Jessica Alba wasn't especially proud of "The Love Guru.")

10. Julia Roberts - Full Frontal (2002)

Sample Review:
"A boring, amateurish, incomprehensible and stupefyingly pretentious pile of swill." —Rex Reed, New York Observer

Julia probably thought: "I'm a little iffy on this one, but Stephen Soderbergh did help me get that Oscar for Erin Brockovich. How bad can it be?" Pretty bad. And, to the disappointment of adolescent boys everywhere, there wasn't even any actual "full frontal."


9. Johnny Depp - The Astronaut's Wife (1999)

Sample Review:
"'The Astronaut's Wife' stinks from the Earth to the moon." - Wesley Morris, San Francisco Examiner

Johnny Depp plays a space shuttle pilot who, after some oddness in space, impregnates Charlize Theron with some kind of alien. And no, I'm not making that up. You can see for yourself for free, as the entire movie (split into chunks) is available on YouTube. Which shows even the copyright holder is too embarrassed to identify himself in order to get it taken down.


8. Cameron Diaz - What Happens In Vegas (2008)
Sample Review:
"When it was over I felt vaguely embarrassed. I wasn't just leaving a movie theater. I was taking a walk of shame." - Wesley Morris, Boston Globe

I know, you're saying, "Cameron Diaz is the 8th biggest movie star? Really?" Well, $5,165,307,420 in box office receipts (the vast majority coming from various Shreks) can't be wrong.

"What Happens In Vegas" not only has the dubious honor of making numerous "Worst Movies of 2008" lists, but the additional badge of shame known as "Starring Ashton Kutcher."


7.Will Smith - Wild Wild West (1999)

Sample Review:
"Extremely stupid and incompetent." - Amy Taubin, Village Voice

While the whole starring/rapping the theme song thing worked for "Men In Black," Will went to the well one too many times. Though at least the theme song included a cameo by Kool Moe Dee, who rapped the original "WWW."


6. Robin Williams - Fathers' Day (1997)

Sample Review:
"`Father's Day' is a brainless feature-length sitcom with too much sit and no com." - Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

Wow, given his body of work, it's difficult to pick a "worst" for Robin. But choose we must. In the review mentioned above, Mr. Ebert brings up a very good point about the many crappy movies featuring the former Mork from Ork: "You can always tell a lazy Robin Williams movie by the unavoidable scene in which he does a lot of different voices and characters." You can actually catch a bit of that desperation ploy in the trailer below:


5. Eddie Murphy - The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)

Sample Review:
"So unremittingly awful that labeling it a dog probably constitutes cruelty to canines." - Lou Lumenick, New York Post

Yikes. Once again, very hard to choose a "winner" from Mr. Murphy's oeuvre. But considering this flop reportedly cost $100 million to make, and garnered a mere "6% Fresh" on RottenTomatoes.com, it gets the nod.


4. Tom Cruise - Vanilla Sky (2001)
Sample Review:
"A hopeless jumble of romance, psychodrama, sci-fi and spiritual posturing." - Susan Stark, Detroit News

I was actually surprised at how few embarrassments Tom has been a part of. Sure, people made fun of his accent in "Far and Away," and he looked a little silly in "Interview With A Vampire." But overall, he's exercised pretty good judgment. At least professionally. However, "Vanilla Sky" was definitely a bit of a mess. As you can tell by this ending. And no, if you saw the rest of the movie, this really wouldn't make a whole lot more sense.


3. Harrison Ford - Random Hearts (1999)

Sample Review:
"Almost everything that is wrong with the Hollywood system can be found here." - Desson Thomson, Washington Post

For a guy who's starred in two of the biggest movie franchises of all time, Harrison has also been a part of more than his fair share of crap. And unfortunately, by all accounts, this year's "Crossing Over" is another nail in his cinematic coffin. Going back a decade, he was part of this thriller/romance that wasn't enough of either.


2. Tom Hanks - The Bonfire of the Vanities (1990)

Sample Review:

"Destroy this film; watch it only to see a good example of a lousy adaptation." - Bob Bloom, Journal & Courier

Looking through the resume of the beloved Mr. Hanks, you're hard-pressed to find truly awful movies. I guess he and "his people" know what they're doing. But even his worst stumble was infamously spectacular in its failure. "The Bonfire of the Vanities" was based on a hugely successful—even iconic—novel, was directed by a big name (Brian DePalma), and featured an all-star cast (Bruce Willis, Melanie Griffith, and Morgan Freeman, as well as Mr. Hanks). But despite its superior pedigree, its terrible reviews and anemic box office established it as one of the biggest flops of all time.


1. Samuel Jackson - Twisted (2004)

Sample Review:
"The greatest mystery in this nonsensical thriller is why Philip Kaufman, a first-rate director, lent his talents to such a mediocre piece of studio hackwork."- A.O. Scott, New York Times

Yep, Samuel Jackson is Number One, having been a part of movies that have grossed a mind boggling $8,464,252,292. The biggest of course was "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace." And no, that's not his worst movie. Not by a long shot. He definitely has the quantity thing down. The quality? Not so much. "Jumper," "The Spirit," "Cleaner," "The Man." There's a reason you likely haven't heard of at least a couple of those—and that's just the last four years. But if we go back to 2004, we find the train wreck that was "Twisted." A film that garnered a stunning 2% "fresh" rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

We tip our Kangols to you, Mr. Jackson.

Now Playing In Hell's Rec Room

They don't make them like this anymore. Likely because someone hunted down the creator and gutted him with a melon baller.

One Love, Many Artists: Playing For Change "Remix"

"Peace Through Music" is a goal that may be a little ... optimistic (to be charitable), but it can produce some cool results, as evidenced by the video "remixes" produced by the "Playing For Change" initiative. "Stand By Me" is the one with 10,000,000+ YouTube hits, but I actually prefer the one below for "One Love."

One thing I found curious: while the filmmakers got to India and Nepal, they seem to have run out of money (and/or air miles), since the Asia of the Pacific Rim is noticeably absent.

Top 10 Break-Up Songs Of All Time

NOTE: Videos have been updated (as of o5/o1/09) after some of the originals were no longer available.

You know them. You love them. Not in a "wow, this is an awesome song" kind of way, but more in a "wow, this song makes me feel awful, and right now that's perfect" kind of way. When your heart has been broken, their maudlin melodies, schmaltzy lyrics, and often overwrought performances are somehow just right.

One thing you'll quickly notice about this list is that it's based on songs from back when I was getting dumped, which was most of the eighties ... and the first part of the nineties. So you kids looking for your James Blunts and Jeff Buckleys are out of luck.

I got the idea for this list after listening to "Break-Up" on This American Life, and in particular the part of the show featuring writer Starlee Kine and her much more entertaining take on break-up songs, including her effort to write her own. I highly recommend listening to it, which you can at the link above as long as your plug-ins work better than mine seem to be.

Back to the whole "maudlin/overwrought" thing. There are limits. You'll find no Celine Dion or Michael Bolton here. And yes Whitney, I hear you wailing away back there. But no matter how many syllables you can get out of the "I" in "I Will Always Love You," you ain't gonna make my list.

I also think the best break-up songs are primarily "pop" songs. For instance, I'm a big fan of "Haunted When The Minutes Drag" by Love and Rockets, but I wouldn't say it's a classic break-up song.

You are free of course to disagree with any or all of these opinions. You'll just be wrong. Now grab your hanky and your memories and away we go ...

10. All Out Of Love - Air Supply (1980)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone ...

Air Supply's entire catalog seems filled with very weepy songs. Maybe there's a lot more heartache down under than I remember from the Crocodile Dundee movies. I recall from another Australian band's songs of the same era that the women glow and the men plunder, so there does seem ample opportunity for romance and conflict.

Give it a listen (and a look) here, since the persnickety poster refuses to let me embed the video.


9. Hard Habit To Break - Chicago (1984)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
You dont know what ya got until its gone
And I found out just a little too late.

Chicago and lead singer Peter Cetera also had quite a few tearjerkers. Like who can forget "I Wasn't the One (Who Said Goodbye)," Pete's duet with Agnetha Faltskog (better known as the blond one from ABBA)? Still, I think this one tops them all.

*NOTE: This was one of the videos on this list the knuckleheads at Warner Brothers music forced YouTube to take down. So this is a poor quality live version. It was the only one I could find that still have Peter Cetera singing (since that's the real "Chicago").




8. Love Theme From St. Elmo's Fire/For Just A Moment - David Foster (1985)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
Time goes on
People touch and then they're gone
And you and I
Will never love again
Like we did then ...

"What? A love theme?" you ask, quite perplexed. And yes, on the surface it does seem an odd choice. But if you've ever heard the somewhat-rare vocal version with lyrics like those above, you'll get the full bittersweet vibe only hinted at by the wailing saxophone in the more common instrumental version. As a vaguely interesting side note, many years after first hearing the vocal version, I actually met the male vocalist, Donny Gerrard, who was working on some jingles for the ad agency I was working at.

Sadly, due to some pesky copyright issues, the original video I had up here was taken down. So now you'll have to settle for hearing the instrumental version over some of the final scenes of the movie. The song kicks in about 4:40.




7. Love Hurts - Nazareth (1975)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue ...

This song was already "classic rock" by the time I could start identifying with it, but even though I'm generally not a fan of the rock ballad (particularly the dreaded "power ballad"), the purity of this one gets it on the list: "Love hurts. Love scars. Love wounds, and mars." Ouch.

While the Nazareth version is generally thought of as the "definitive" version (with Roy Orbison a strong second), it was first recorded by the Everley brothers back in 1960. Since then, everyone from Joan Jett and Cher to Pat Boone and Rod Stewart have taken a shot at it.



6. Pictures of You - The Cure (1989)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more
than to feel you deep in my heart ...

I suppose this technically strays outside the "pop" category that I had said was a requirement earlier. But Robert Smith was just made to sing break-up songs. Not just the voice, but the added anguish that comes into play when his mascara starts to run. Even on "Friday I'm In Love" he sounds more at home during the song's mid-week "Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too."




5. Every Breath You Take - The Police (1983)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
I look around, but it's you I can't replace
I feel so cold, and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby please ...

There's more than a bit of obsession in this song, something that's often a common component of many breakups (not mine, of course, despite what those restraining orders may imply). Sting says of the song: "I didn't realise at the time how sinister it is. I think I was thinking of "Big Brother," surveillance and control." But he wrote it during the breakup of his first marriage, so it definitely qualifies. It also has this cool black and white video, which definitely fits the break-up mood. At least the black part.

Thanks to the wishes of the Universal Music Group, I can't embed the video, but at least they'll let me link to it.


4. All I Want Is You - U2 (1989)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you ...

Really a tossup for me between this song and "With Or Without You." "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses" and "One" are also legitimate U2-created contenders. I suppose you could make the argument that this song is more about unrequited love than a break-up, especially if you watch the Fellini-esque video here (Again with the "Embedding Disabled." Grrr).

On a side note, this song actually made its highest chart appearance in 1994, when it was re-released as a single after appearing on the soundtrack for "Reality Bites." Which was really the nineties version of the aforementioned St. Elmo's Fire. But with Stiller/Ryder/Hawke/Zellweger instead of Lowe/Moore/Estevez/Sheedy. And as a side note to this side note, in my opinion, both are inferior to 1992's "Singles" in the beautiful twenty-somethings in-and-out-of-love genre.

3. Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor (1990)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby, where did I go wrong?

As you can tell by the pre-text messaging spelling of the title, this song was written by His Royal Purple Lowness, Prince. In fact, he originally had it recorded by a funk band called "The Family" in 1985. But Sinead made it heartbreakingly her own–and a huge hit–five years later. In fact this year VH1 ranked it #1 on their "Final Countdown - Top 50 Heartbreakers."

In this particular video, Sinead's close-up loses some of its power due to Spanish subtitles, but this is the only version I could find with the original audio. Apparently there's some pesky Prince-inspired copyright issue.




2. I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt (1991)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't ...

When I looked at lists of break-up songs that other people had composed (there's nothing new under the sun, and certainly not on the Internet), there wasn't a lot of agreement. But this song appeared on the most lists by far.

Mike Reid, who wrote the song along with Allen Shamblin, said that he was inspired to write it after reading about a man who was arrested for drunkenly shooting at his girlfriend's car. Asked if he'd learned anything by the judge, the man replied: "I learned, Your Honor, that you can't make a woman love you if she don't." And by the way, that man was not me. As far as you know.

No doubt this song came to mind when Bonnie was divorcing Danny Noonan. Here's a video of her performing it since the original video is one of the few that don't appear to be on YouTube.



1. Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now) - Phil Collins (1984)

Boohooiest Lyrics:
I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all ...

This actually makes the second list of mine that Phil Collins has topped, as readers of my Top Miami Vice Guest Stars: Musicians post will no doubt recall.

I've always thought of this as the ultimate break-up song, something that received independent confirmation in the "This American Life" story mentioned above. Starlee Kine actually interviewed Phil, and he talked about how he wrote this song as his first marriage was crashing and burning. He said that he really thought that if his wife heard this song, she'd come back to him (she didn't). And often that's another way that break-up songs make us feel: like if our ex could just hear the song; if they could just know the way we really feel, everything would be okay. Of course, as in Phil's case, that almost never happens, no matter how many times we stand outside our ex's window holding a boom box over our heads (okay, that was "In Your Eyes," not really a break-up song, but still). And you know what? Even if it takes a few months, or even a few years, we eventually learn that we're okay–and usually better off–without them.

Anyway, with my Dr. Phil moment over, I leave you with the song. Unfortunately, once again Warner Music Group has decided to deny you the original music video. And so you'll have to make due with a heartfelt live performance by Phil. Enjoy.